im gonna write tons and tons of words. i wanna flood today's entry. those closely packed words would turn everyone off and this way no one would read today's entry. been considering of deleting this blog already. sighs. actually i come to this blog this late because i just wanna take a break from what im thinking. i was reading my notes just now, but those stuff in my mind kept pestering me. having no choice, i came here to take a breather. sighs.. i made a stupid move just now.
"hey, how are u lerr?" is what i type in my phone a couple of minutes ago. i intended to send this to him, but i withdraw my move. the msg was deleted; word by word, letter by letter. seriously i hate it when im trying to read some important points from the notes and yet i got distracted because my mind wonder off and think about him again. i told myself to focus, FOCUS! but i cant do it.. it's always like this. for one moment, i thought that maybe i should msg him and ask him how he is doing and stuff. it's been 9 days. complete cut off from contact. have no idea why it turn out this way too. sighs. friday's upsetting incident is still fresh in my mind. it kept recurring in my mind constantly that i really have no idea how i should stop myself from thinking. i dunch deny singlehood rocks, but.. singlehood rocks because there's no one he/she is thinking of when he/she is single. im single now, but i have not let go in a least bit. i wont ever get happiness out of singlehood. i tried hard to really let go, i really did. i myself know very well that it is miserable if someone is unable to let go, and i tried ways to make myself feel tt he is a bad guy. i kept telling myself how bad he treated me in the past even though im just deceiving myself. i dunch even bear to blame him for anything. but at the end of the day, i still cant forget that i once know this important person. i hate when the night befalls. when night time arrives, those memories will keep haunting me. i know i shouldnt even be blogging now, i should study. but.. sigh. actually, i feel tt im very pathetic. i keep coming to this stupid blog to post about how sad i am, and that's becuz i dunch have anyone to talk to. okie, perhaps i have. i have bestie and "bf". however, no one loves to hear the same thing over and over again. no one loves to repeat their advices time and time again. everyone of us are human beings. we get sick of repeating the same thing almost everyday, i know that. and this serves the reason why im only ranting what im unhappy with into this stupid blog.
i used to think that im not an emo person. i used to think that way, cuz i still can find reasons to laugh. i still can laugh from the bottom of my heart then. but now, i wont deny that i am an emo person, as i really dunch laugh from the bottom of my heart anymore. sometimes im envious of the people around me. they look so carefree, and i can feel that they're really smiling from the bottom of their hearts. the radiant expression they have makes u feel that way. tsk, i dunch reveal any radiant expression at all, perhaps for quite some time already. couples can be seen almost everywhere once u step out of ur hse. im envious of them. seeing their faces and how they engage their look into each other's eyes, oblivious of their surrounding and trivial stuff like locking fingers with each other.. tsk, even typing this, it reminds me of him and that girl. probably im being too sensitive. perhaps nothing's between them, they're just good friends. but im making a fuss out of it. who doesnt when he/she knows the person he/she loves is out with the opposite gender? tsk.
regrets can nv be undo. i regretted on alot of things. i regretted quitting volleyball, where this is where my interest really lies. i regretted doing badly in studies for poly yr 1. studies is the most important thing in my life and yet i ruin it under my own fingers. i regretted cutting my hair. i was silly to cut my hair just because i was terribly upset. i regretted on what happen that very day, when i said those words which i dunch even mean it. but what's the use now. i cant make amendments anymore.
haha. i didnt realise i wrote something this long. well, kinda feel better now. maybe because im tired, but stupid. im going to face this again once i get up tml, the day after and the day after tomorrow and blahblahblah. whatever. okie, at least im ending with a smile on my face.
lame entry though. hahas. im a dumbass.
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