Oh where is my boyfriend?!

Mixed feelings though. I'm not sure what is the reason but upon browsing through those photos, I kinda asked myself why didnt you do such things in the past for me. I mean I'm not jealous, I'm just wondering if I wasnt a good girlfriend in the first place. Saw those birthday presents you bought for your current girlfriend.. A bear with a 'princess' tee-shirt on, an album that you did for her, a polaroid instant camera that she has always been hinting you.. it kinda reminds me of the days we had been together.. the times where you always called me 'princess'.. the times where you will buy me things that i've always wanted to have.. i do not know what this is.. but i know im having mixed feelings. Probably reminiscing the past or sth.. i dont know. Havent been reminded of us since a long time ago. An ambiguous feeling in which i cant use words to describe. I threw away all the stuff that you gave me.. Bags and bags of soft toys.. pictures.. but it wasnt something which i regret doing it, because i know a new chapter have begun for the both of us. It's pointless to keep certain things too. oh well. Maybe i shouldnt have looked through those photos in the first place. I know you are happy and so is she. And i know very well that you werent the right one for me in the first place. I just wish you well.

On a lighter note, oh how i miss black.

It's the frantic and panicky feeling that's surging within my veins. Impulses. I dont know to put words into phrases anymore. Mind's in a mess. I dont crave for a rich boyfriend. I just want a healthy boy, alway there for me. Im worried about the lump. Worried about you going through surgeries again. It's not something easy to swallow.. I mean.. I just hope that things will be fine after you see the doctor and take the antibiotics tmr. God.. It's scary. I can no longer picture myself being alone anymore.. It would be the end of the world. Touch wood but i really wish for the best. I need to pray. I need to send my prayers.. 'I love you' is an understatement. Besides my family, you mean more than anything else to me. :( im worried sick. Really. Sigh.

And you know, sometimes your parents just want things to be done their way because they bore you and they have your interest at heart even though they may seem a little extreme at times. Like yes, i understand and it's comprehendable why they disapprove of my relationship, refusing to acknowledge that I am in a relationship now when relatives probed them about me. It may be hurtful but things will definitely have a better turn for me, Im sure of that.

If they dont see that I truely love him now, it's alright because time will prove them wrong. Communication may surface as a big issue but i know every problem has it's solution and we should face it bravely instead of running away and trying to hope for miracles and stuff. Because the more you let your imagination run, the more unpleasant chains of thoughts will twirl in your mind, at least for me.

Sometimes i wished that i wasnt that sensitive, but sometimes, i think being sensitive is good. Oh well, always look on the bright side!

I start to question myself if I should stop fighting for this happiness.

Will this racial issue ever be diminished from my thoughts forever?

As i browsed through my cousin's wedding photo, i guessed those photos sort of plant a wedding seed in my brain. It grows and magnifies.. conspicuously significant enough for me to think of my future.

Sometimes, or maybe most of the time, i wonder if it's ever possible to marry him. I mean, certainly without any doubt, i love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, but will this marriage jeopardize my kinship and friendship because no one is willing to accept us, the uncommon couple. Can i walk down the aisle just like any other girl would with the man i love? Would it remain as a non-fiction fantasy or would i be preening myself with pride as i don on a customized wedding gown five years down the road? And sometimes it sets me thinking.. Am i fighting for losing battle though it's all worth it?

I don't know about the opinions of couples out there at this age. I don't consider my age as tender anymore. And I'm not trying to sabotage or sow discord, but if you know that you don't love that man, then it's time to set him free. Because by deceiving yourself further it may do both parties harm. Love is not about money. It's a special bond between two parties. Yes of course anyone would be happy to receive presents and gifts from out partners, but if you ever ask yourself whether you are truely happy with what you have, i guessed a corner of your heart will winced.. Because the love isnt really there anymore. I deceived myself in the past. I know the pain. Just don't want anyone else to follow my footstep.

Boyfriend's in reservist. Though it's just five days, i guessed i'll need some time to get myself used to being alone. Wasnt this dependent on someone before i met him. I thought it Would be an easy feat but yea.. It's proven to be difficult. Damn i need him so badly now. I wish Friday would arrive in a swift, in that so-called, 'a twinkling of an eye'. Sigh baby, i miss you badly. Really do.