think no one knows tt i've open up this blog again. dunch noe y i wanna open now. i did promise everyone i'll be happy and the new blog will be a happy post, isnt it? but im afraid this time, im not gonna feel happy anymore. the incident ytd still lingers in my mind very vividly. hais. yes, many of u must have blame mi for doing tt to him. blame mi, blame it all. its really my fault. i dunch noe why i did it too. i suck. i suck to the core. after a breakup, it doesnt reveal to mi tt im gonna be freed from those unhappiness at all. it jus got worse. i dunch nit ur sympathy, or maybe after u ppl have read this, u might be alr thinking im not worth any comforts from anyone of u. i brought this upon myself. heaven sent mi such a NICE guy, yet all i did was to ever give him ENDLESS attitude which i cant control it at all.
why am i always showing att to those tt love mi? and why cant i control my temper at all? doesnt mean tt i tell him everyth about wat im unhappy about, i'll be happy about it. why am i so selfish to always think tt all the fault lies in him? come to think of it, have i been a good gf to him even once? have i ever do anyth tt make him feel loved or touched? nv at all. and wat did he do to make mi tt make mi feel touched or loved? umpteen times till i lost count. the tumoil im going thru is jus too excruciating now. no one noes how i feel, not even u who's reading this entry now. i lost him, i lost my peeps, i lost everyone. i think alot of ppl "du lan' mi, tt's one thing for sure. hais. and the thing i noe now was i did was indeed selfish. i din think of the consequences at all. time? wat time? wat do i mean by i nit time? i myself dunch noe either. "its not tt u dunch noe. its tt u dunch wanna face it." this is wat he told mi ytd. its true, maybe i've been running away all this while, which was why this tradegy happened. hais
woke up in the morning, i could feel the pain inside once again. jus got too emo. cried? ya cried. so? wat about crying? wont bring anyth back alr, isnt it? looking back ytd's nite, he made the effort to wait for mi under my hse, and all i did was throw him wat im unhappy about. wat is this? in the bus while returning home, i told myself i have to apologise. go home msn and talk to him amicably and no break up shd come into our conversation. but wat is this? why is it tt i met him and this word came to mi? why cant i jus keep those wat im unhappy about to myself? why cant i jus perservere? i hate myself, i really hate myself! why is it tt it's jus so diff to make myself love him? why is it tt the fondness for him stays forever as fondness and not love? why am i so indecisive when it comes to matters of hearts? why cant i jus know wat i shd do? WHY DIDNT I TREASURE HIM?!
the guilt and vulnerablility jus haunts mi for the whole of today. the silence he had ytd was more than jus silence. the smiles we had was more than jus faking for each other to make each other feel better. jus so many things reminded mi of him. first thing for the start of the day which led to my saddness was the bear keychain. i jus cant bear to throw it away, but whenever i see it, i jus feel more hurt and emo. tried to deviate from the bear and from the things im thinking and concentrate in class. but what came into my mind again was, i still haven buy him an eng assessment i promised him to. tried so hard not to think anymore and finally its working a lil'l. BUT during an IT lesson, i wanted to take out my thumbdrive from my pencile case, i saw his thumbdrive and mine.. "this is dar's" comes into my mind. hais. jus felt even more sad.
the next lesson got my emotions in an even worse state beyond imagination. saw the bike keychain he gave mi which he love alot. jus leads mi to thinking of the day he gave mi to mi, what we did tt day, where we went and so on. lift my pen and drew a sad face with a tear beside it. and i was ridiculous. jus the look of it, i felt so miserable, i teared. luckily it was onli for a moment. liping called mi and woke mi up from my "daydream". i turned and luckily, those tears werent there anymore. i jus cant shake off the things tt reminds mi of him at all.
came back home, wanted to go out to jus walk alone. binding my notes was an excuse given to my mum in order to sneak out of the hse. i noe if i cope myself at home, my imagination will run wild. after binding, went to bus stop to sit alone. memories came in again. this time, i "saw" him smiling. the imaginary him. it jus got mi more hurt. i wanna talk to someone, but who is there for mi? i think my peeps now hate mi to the core, and i have to stand alone to overcome this. who can i blame but onli myself?
the one who initiated to have a break usually dunch feel good at all. comparing myself with his hurt, mine is so much lesser. but wat i wanna say is, i really feel very sad. i noe nth can bring back. pieces dunch fit anymore too. if i din say i nit a break and some time to think, it'll be our 1 mth in 9 days time. why cant i jus keep wat im thinking to myself, and why am i ALWAYS so stubborn. WHY?!
its true tt there's no point crying over spilt milk. im jus blogging this cuz i have no one to talk to and tt's it. dunch pity mi. dunch. JUS HATE MI, HATE MI! I MYSELF HATE MYSELF SO MUCH FOR BEING A SINISTER IN THIS WORLD, ALWAYS HURTING THE ONES TT LOVE MI.
im a sinister, a hopeless one.
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