before returning home, i made the trip to ss to buy icecream. wanted to binge myself with tt cuz im not feeling in my best of mood. hais. seems like nothing can ease my pain. nothing! i dunch feel pain even when i hurt myself. hais. feel so shagged and dunch noe what's the meaning for waking up. how i wish i could sleep forever. hais. everytime im alone, those unhappy stuff jus came back to mi. im a downright sucker. dunch noe why am i living in this world where im always hurting ppl like hell. agony clings on mi everyday. the start of a new day doesnt mean any "starting a fresh new day" to mi. the start of a new day meant the start of a sad day. if only i can break free from this world, how great can it be...
while returning home, in the bus, i finally forced myself to think wat i really want. this is wat i've been running away all this while and din dare to think of this, for fear that its gonna hurt someone.

this is wat actually wat my heart feels.

i wanna live happily with the one i love. i dunch wanna live in the fear of hurting anyone who loves mi, be it being cautious with my words or carry myself in a way which i had to do things unwillingly. i wanna carry myself who i really am and not always faking myself. if i wanna do this, i will. if i wanna do that, i will. and not about wat others tells mi to. i wanna do things in my own accord to the one i love. i jus wanna be the real mi.

i wanna be comfortable with the one i love, and not always there to accomadate each other. living in such manner is sure an unhappy thing to do. i dunch wan him, as well as mi, to be unhappy. this is why i told him i dunch wan him to accomodate mi. and i noe very well, i always take things for granted. till the end of time, when i lose sth, i'll then realise how important tt is to mi. i wont treasure if he's always giving in. sometimes it's better that he ignore mi a little, so at least i'll freak out and find tt he mean sth in mi.

and dunch doubt those feelings of mine to him. i noe my feelings for him are true, but its not the stage of love. its jus purely fondess for someone. maybe im not ready to love someone, cuz i dunch love myself at all. how am i supposed put in love into an r/s when i myself dunch noe how to love the very own mi? and i noe myself very well. on an occassion, i may say certain things. but the next minute, i might jus think tt i shdnt say tt at all. this is mi. im forever acting in a fit of impulse and im a very stubborn person. if u forced mi to do things which i dunch wan to, i might be furious about it and fly into a rage. i dunch noe how to control my temper well, this is why im always giving ppl att.

all these sums up everyth:
"i lost the feeling of how to smile broadly from the bottom of my heart."