It's upset to smile when you're actually not feeling happy at all but because you're forced and bounded with circumstances, you smile as if you do not have any troubles with you. A facade will still reveals how fake a smile can be, how sad one can be, and how desperate one tries to stay happy. It was too huge a blow for me to handle. Perhaps the problem lies in me; it's difficult to stay positive. This is the second time in my entire life that I intend to commit suicide. It's not that life isnt pleasing enough, but i think it's how much I wanted something out of it.

Perhaps the expectations I set were too far-fetched, or maybe I was naive and gullible, I cant snap out of how cruel reality is, which led to suicidal thoughts, depression and nothing but tears. Seriously, the only person that we can put total trust on is not our parents, not our friends, neither it is our dogs or cats. It's ourselves. Broken promises can lead to a great deal of disappointments, dejection and depression, so never break a promise if you dont intend to uphold your words. It hurts so bad when someone you're so dear with actually break promises.

I reckoned I was too complacent with what I have. But I just realised that no one understands me in the family. Everyone's busy with their work. No one listens to what I have to say within. They jump into conclusions and make awful accusations. What can I do? Stay silent and swallow. This is how I learnt about the way they see me as a person and as a family member. What is the dearest thing I have in life? I would say, family. But do they understand me? No, they don't. Money breaks relationships? Yes, it does and it happens. But do I still value this family despite of the treatment I received? Definitely. I did self-reflection before I point the faults back to anyone. But seriously, the words that were spoken wasnt fair to me, not at all.

For the next one yr, I will strive hard for myself, for my degree, and for my braces.
*colene and xueting, I apologize for not being able to join you girls in SIT this year. I'll register my degree only in yr 2011 after I've enough savings for my own education.

*I wont ask a single cent from anyone to bring me back to education.