i guessed i've pretty much achieved what i've wanted-keeping myself busy. i reckoned everyone's mind must be having the thought of "why keep urself so busy?" question going round and round their heads, isnt it? well, i've got my reasons..

it's been quite some time ever since i met him. he can put the blame on me, i guessed. i've never made the effort to salvage the relationship, or should i say, i shouldnt be in this relationship at all. looking back at the things i did behind his back, i felt guilty, as well as finding myself bitchy too. i believed we did have our great times together. gathering all the gifts that he has given me, i was considered the most blessed girl ever. this realisation was indeed slow, to the extend that until this very day, it's pointless to regret the things i've done. things turned out to be so unpredictable. i've never know that we would end up being this way, which is avoiding each other.

i admit i did avoid him, but i did miss him too. im not sure if he did miss me, but i know i did. missing his presence or really missing him? i have my doubts too. i guessed i've been running away from this issue for a very long period of time. it took me some time to realise that running away cannot solve any problem. i just dunch want to think so much, which is the reason why i kept myself busy all day long. once i have the free time, i wont let myself rest. it's either i'll continue revising my modules or i'll continue to do my reports, or even ridiculously, i'd wanna work. i hate to get emotional over thinking hell lots of stuff. i know very well that once im alone doing nothing, my mind will start twirling and thinking about the memories of me and him. i presumed no one truely knows what i've been thinking lately, even my sort of "best confidant" dunch noe what im thinking too.. which is good.. ya, which is good.. good in a sense that well.. at least everyone thinks that im happy and bubbly. and i dunch mind everyone thinking that im bitchy. anything they want to think of me as, i dunch mind cuz im conscious of what i've been doing lately. sounds pretty arrogant huh? i think im revealing the bad side of me here. good, isnt it? im not a kind-hearted girl, im not.

there was once minnie told me that if im sad, it's pretty obvious as i'll keep quiet and well, sort of isolate. well, i tried to stay happy that day when she said that, i tried to get lame with her and making her laugh that sort of things, but still, she's able to sense that im not alright. true enough, i wasnt alright that day. i didnt noe why too, but i know, im thinking of him. there's umpteen times when voi asked me to let it go. yea.. i did try, since he didnt want to contact me. but whenever i hear the "tinkling" sound given from the heart pendent colliding with the ring hanging on my necklace, it reminds me of him, badly. there were times i did try to contact him, but i know, he's having his exams, so.. yea.. i know it sounds more like an excuse. i dunch noe.. im really.. should i say, i sort of feel heart-wrenched? tsk. no one believe me huh?

lately, i've been feeling lonely. couples are seen almost everywhere at every corner of the school compound. im envious, i admit i am. but somehow, i reli feel that i should concentrate more on my studies more than anything. romance..? somewhere deep in my heart, i feel that love is something which is unsuitable for me. i dunch know how to love, neither do i feel that there's a need to be in love. seriously, i really have no idea how i should love someone. how to love? i dunch noe.. hurt is something which i'll get, and so do the other party who is with me. so.. i'll just throw that L.O.V.E aside and wait till im ready for the next one, i'll give in my fullest. but i guessed, in the near future, this wont happen. believe me or not is up to u(: