im blogging about work today. didnt bother much about the english. i just wanted to say my piece. forgive me if it's offensive.

i feel that i suck, seriously! they shouldnt have raise me, or should i say, maybe they raised me because of waiwai, not because i am capable of accomplishing things. (if you're my colleague, feel free to laugh at me because it was waiwai that suggested to evelyn to raise me.) hais. nurul got raised to be senior cast first. yup, i USED TO think that this is a position where everyone would yearn to have. but no, not for me NOW. i got raised together with edward last month, and was dumb-founded when i know about it.

months ago, he started to learn many many things- closing POS, voiding bills, ordering beef, how to manage shifts and stuff before becoming a senior cast while i know none. never mind about that, i know it's none of my business cause' he has the ability to do all these stuff, unlike me. knowing very well that after acquiring these skills, he is sure to be a senior cast, i wished they could teach me how to do those things too, but no, they didnt. maybe because i'm working only one day per week, so i have no chance to learn at all even if they intend to teach. or perhaps, i have not met their requirements, so they chose not to teach me. i believe that it was the latter.

edward is alert, clever and a fast-learner. yes, i saw that coming-him being raised to be a senior cast. but no, i didnt see this coming- me being raised as well. when i received that letter, for a moment, i thought they were going to have me fired because i am perpetually late for work. but no, i was wrong. it's a letter of promotion. upon receiving the letter, i was stunned for words. happy yet drowning more in a state of misery. why? simple, because i feel that i'm an empty vessel.

i dunch understand why they wanted to raise me so i asked evelyn. heard from her that it's because of waiwai. i dunch feel good. serious. it feels like they raised me not because of me being capable of handling things at work, but because i have a "mountain" behind me- waiwai. "having someone of a higher authority to demand a person of a lower authority to raise me" was what i felt at that point of time. i thought i was thinking too much so i folded the letter and put it in my apron. silently, i walked off.

thought of using march holidays to learn the ropes from them because i dunch wanna be deemed as an empty vessel. maybe not to others, but to myself. i wanna prove more to myself that i am not that kind of person. that drive in me was so strong that i told myself that i cant lose to others! i told myself that i gotta learn & this makes me willing to learn. i cant be lagging behind others, for they have already acquired the skills much more before me. things didnt go according to what i have planned, cause' the fyp teacher chose me to go for that attachment for the whole of march till april. fuck it!

when i learnt that juliana is in the midst of learning how to close POS now, i feel happy for her. yup, no doubt she's sure gonna be a senior cast. very soon, there'll be 4 senior casts. but somehow, somewhere deep within me, there's this little man telling me, "you're behind time. you're lagging behind. you're in deep shit. you're losing out. you know none about being a senior cast, none. shameless! you're just an empty vessel, given a position yet you dunch noe all the things of what a senior should know."

frankly speaking, that makes me feel utterly useless.

i couldnt handle the stress no more. ever since i have gotten that position, life seems to be more miserable. i've been comparing myself with the rest of the senior casts in suntec. they seem to be much more clever and are fast-learners, while i'm stupid, dumb and useless! i've been asking myself what have i learnt? yea, probably the basics only, basics of what all staffs in PL should know. i dunch feel good and almost teared because i feel inferior, useless, dumb and unwanted. i rmbed that i didnt know how to spot-check cashier counter. edward was stunned and questioned pooja,"huh she dont know how to spot check?" i know he is just jesting with me. but perhaps i was sensitive, i felt like crying within. yes, he knows how to spot check, while being raised on the same day as me, i still do not know how to do spot check.

unhappy thoughts sort of repeat itself again and again in my mind. couldnt take it anymore, i requested evelyn to de-mote me back to normal PL cast, but she said no. once broken considered sold. it applies to being promoted. she cant demote me to a normal cast anymore.

i didnt want to have this position in the first place. perhaps it's a mistake to even accept that letter of promotion. i believe that working should be fun rather than just slogging. it WAS fun in the past, but not now. is it because i'm thinking too much? or because that ambitious part of me is putting me down more and more each day? or is it because that part of me dunch wanna lose out to others, which makes me more & more inferior as each day goes by?

it's like a form of suffocation. all i want is to work happily, change out of uniform and returning home without bringing any frowns back regarding work. i feel like just shutting myself at one corner tmr when i go to work. yes, im emo now. serious.