frankly speaking, there's really times where i contradict myself and i have no idea why im behaving this way. it's not just only once; it's always happening.

i've been trying to treat him as brother, and i thought im adjusting pretty well with the fact that he has become a close friend of mine instead of a lover. we had an hour plus long conversation over the phone yesterday and i actually felt that it's better for the both of us to stay in this way rather than being couple. yea, i yearn to be with him, but last night was the ever first time i felt it's better for us to stay as friends. im contented and happy that we still have so much to talk. i slept with a sense of serenity last night, and i thought that it might be a good headstart to let go of him. i thought it might be a good sign as i'm feeling this way. smile was what i had before i head to my lala land. [:

contradiction comes in the whole of today. i didnt know that i was actually so groggy when it comes to handling this. evelyn zhu rou can be considered one of my close friend as she's my lab partner and we always have fun with each other around, so i thought that she should be someone who should know about what had happened btw me and him. i didnt know that i was so weak and fragile seriously. upon breaking the news to her, i didnt know why tears started to brim and a tear dropped right from my eye when i turned away from her. elaborating on the details led me to further breakdown. tsk, lame shit i've got for myself. i should be laughing right at myself now. thinking that i could let him go, tearing right infront of evelyn upon breaking the news to her implies that no, i haven't let go in a least bit. treating him as a friend is just an illusion, a bubble which got burst so easily. what is this, why am i still behaving this way?! what's so difficult about letting go?! what's so hard on giving up this past we had?! hahahahahah.. i didnt know that i actually need him badly, not even till now. great, how great. im worse than a kid.