Love is..

2012-02-03T01:21:00.003+08:00

Oh where is my boyfriend?!

2012-01-31T17:49:00.002+08:00

Mixed feelings though. I'm not sure what is the reason but upon browsing through those photos, I kinda asked myself why didnt you do such things in the past for me. I mean I'm not jealous, I'm just wondering if I wasnt a good girlfriend in the first place. Saw those birthday presents you bought for your current girlfriend.. A bear with a 'princess' tee-shirt on, an album that you did for her, a polaroid instant camera that she has always been hinting you.. it kinda reminds me of the days we had been together.. the times where you always called me 'princess'.. the times where you will buy me things that i've always wanted to have.. i do not know what this is.. but i know im having mixed feelings. Probably reminiscing the past or sth.. i dont know. Havent been reminded of us since a long time ago. An ambiguous feeling in which i cant use words to describe. I threw away all the stuff that you gave me.. Bags and bags of soft toys.. pictures.. but it wasnt something which i regret doing it, because i know a new chapter have begun for the both of us. It's pointless to keep certain things too. oh well. Maybe i shouldnt have looked through those photos in the first place. I know you are happy and so is she. And i know very well that you werent the right one for me in the first place. I just wish you well.

On a lighter note, oh how i miss black.

2012-01-09T22:38:00.003+08:00

It's the frantic and panicky feeling that's surging within my veins. Impulses. I dont know to put words into phrases anymore. Mind's in a mess. I dont crave for a rich boyfriend. I just want a healthy boy, alway there for me. Im worried about the lump. Worried about you going through surgeries again. It's not something easy to swallow.. I mean.. I just hope that things will be fine after you see the doctor and take the antibiotics tmr. God.. It's scary. I can no longer picture myself being alone anymore.. It would be the end of the world. Touch wood but i really wish for the best. I need to pray. I need to send my prayers.. 'I love you' is an understatement. Besides my family, you mean more than anything else to me. :( im worried sick. Really. Sigh.

2012-01-02T16:04:00.003+08:00

And you know, sometimes your parents just want things to be done their way because they bore you and they have your interest at heart even though they may seem a little extreme at times. Like yes, i understand and it's comprehendable why they disapprove of my relationship, refusing to acknowledge that I am in a relationship now when relatives probed them about me. It may be hurtful but things will definitely have a better turn for me, Im sure of that.

If they dont see that I truely love him now, it's alright because time will prove them wrong. Communication may surface as a big issue but i know every problem has it's solution and we should face it bravely instead of running away and trying to hope for miracles and stuff. Because the more you let your imagination run, the more unpleasant chains of thoughts will twirl in your mind, at least for me.

Sometimes i wished that i wasnt that sensitive, but sometimes, i think being sensitive is good. Oh well, always look on the bright side!

2011-12-14T19:38:00.002+08:00

I start to question myself if I should stop fighting for this happiness.

Will this racial issue ever be diminished from my thoughts forever?

2011-12-13T11:13:00.002+08:00

As i browsed through my cousin's wedding photo, i guessed those photos sort of plant a wedding seed in my brain. It grows and magnifies.. conspicuously significant enough for me to think of my future.

Sometimes, or maybe most of the time, i wonder if it's ever possible to marry him. I mean, certainly without any doubt, i love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, but will this marriage jeopardize my kinship and friendship because no one is willing to accept us, the uncommon couple. Can i walk down the aisle just like any other girl would with the man i love? Would it remain as a non-fiction fantasy or would i be preening myself with pride as i don on a customized wedding gown five years down the road? And sometimes it sets me thinking.. Am i fighting for losing battle though it's all worth it?

I don't know about the opinions of couples out there at this age. I don't consider my age as tender anymore. And I'm not trying to sabotage or sow discord, but if you know that you don't love that man, then it's time to set him free. Because by deceiving yourself further it may do both parties harm. Love is not about money. It's a special bond between two parties. Yes of course anyone would be happy to receive presents and gifts from out partners, but if you ever ask yourself whether you are truely happy with what you have, i guessed a corner of your heart will winced.. Because the love isnt really there anymore. I deceived myself in the past. I know the pain. Just don't want anyone else to follow my footstep.

2011-12-12T08:24:00.002+08:00

Boyfriend's in reservist. Though it's just five days, i guessed i'll need some time to get myself used to being alone. Wasnt this dependent on someone before i met him. I thought it Would be an easy feat but yea.. It's proven to be difficult. Damn i need him so badly now. I wish Friday would arrive in a swift, in that so-called, 'a twinkling of an eye'. Sigh baby, i miss you badly. Really do.

2011-12-05T15:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I just feel that you don't deserve a great partner like her. She's your girlfriend who takes good care of you, so be contented with what you have and stop treating her like shit. You are lucky to have such a kind hearted girl, so treasure her and stop calling her stupid! Damn every word you say about her is so hurtful. I wished one day, you will have a taste of your own medicine!

2011-11-27T01:46:00.002+08:00

I wont deny, that the cause of my drifted friendship is me. Probably I didnt maintain these close friendships well, that now, no matter how I try to pull it back closer to me, I fail. Everywhere Im looking now, I see people with friends. Everyone needs friends, close friends to be precise. It's sad, or should I say, depressing, that I feel that all my close friends are gone because they dislike my boyfriend, the guy who I feel is my life.

No longer do I want to question myself what friendship really is, because I know this essential element in life is as fragile as relationship. No matter how many years of friendship you have with this friend, just a small mistake it's able to diminish the affinity you once shared with this person. I do not know what's the reason why they cant accept my boyfriend, and I seriously am clueless what they mean by 'accept'. So what if he was the third party in my previous relationship? Why condemn him as the bad guy when you guys didnt give him the chance to interact with you people? I'm not siding him because that's what I will do if this happens to my friend. Okay.. maybe it's just me. Maybe not everyone will do that for a friend.

Probably no one knows that friendship meant a lot to me, that it is as important as my kinship and relationship. I have been very affected by this.. all along I have been. Who can I tell this to when my best friend is involved. I feel pathetic, seriously. For once, in my life, I feel pathetic. Sigh okay.. probably if I continue blogging, my tears will start streaming down my cheeks.

Hope for the better. Or should I just stop hoping already?

2011-11-25T12:53:00.000+08:00

Im not in the best of mood.

Sacastic boss. Should i quit my job?

Closest friendship drifted. Feels lonely. Nothing can make them understand.

Boyfriend. Ego problem. Probably all guys are like that.

Studies. Exams are coming and im worrying about unneccessary stuff.

It's a depressing Friday. Just feel like lying on my bed and run away from these.

2011-11-13T01:02:00.003+08:00

My mind's not working. I'm going to blow up anytime!

Just people's natural instinct to jump into conclusion, yes?

I was in the wrong, no?

He's not even the third party! I love himt that's why I chose him! Ya we were close when I was with Elston and people didnt know we were already having problems then they chose to jump into conclusion that Vic was the third party! Why didnt they want to ask me what had happened exactly since they wish to know so badly? Why did they just jump into conclusions and bought over by the negative! Ya now it's not just the racial issue existence but also the third party intrusion. Why did they always see us as an incompatible pair just becuz we are different in our skin? Why is it thAt they resist us so much that they always taunt me on that? Ya my boyfriend is an Indian and so what? Im happy with him and i live my own life; i know what happiness is and i know who is the right one; and so why cant u people just accept it! Ya its alienated for whatever you say but I love him and i know he is the one who can constantly give me the attention i want! I dont play anymore unlike the past and what makes the change in me is him! Isnt that a substantial prove enough to say that i truely love him deeply and much enough?! I hate it I just fucking hate it when my friends cant accept this even when we are tgt for almost close to a year! It's already over between Elston and I and he's found himself a preety girlfriend! We both moved on and why did people still stay behind in our past? I had enough really. The world is ugly! And im naive to think that i can change ppl's' mindset over this! Fuck it they can never change their mindset so what for should i just work so hard to make them be acquainted to each other? It doesnt make much sense! Everything doesnt make sense! I tried to make them feel not so awkward when they introduce their boyfriend for the very first time; i tolerated some nonsense because i know how it feels like to be sandwiched but it doesnt pay to be kind cuz ppl just wouldnt treat u the same!

Fuck! Ya and i dont sound like im blogging in a rational state of mind cuz im through with thinking about all this unhappy stuff, really!

2011-11-04T13:56:00.002+08:00

Maybe I was wrong. More like I hate you now. The sight of you irks me, totally. I was stupid and naive to have thought that you still care about this fucking friendship. I was dimb to have dreamt talking to you again and again. And not to forget I was more than just a plain idiot to hope that you'll talk to me again. How wrong was I to have held on to this this far. And how silly was I to have finally seen your true colours. Yes, i admit that i started this by saying some stuff in a fit of anger, but you did too didnt you? I cared for this friendship ao muchthat I kept bugging your friend how you're doing and all. Geez, I've never hated you before but now I do, because you have the worse character I've ever seen in my whole life! I admit I'm at fault, but you're 100x worse than me because you always tell tales about ppl; twist those facts and capitalized on other's weakness! Fuck!

2011-11-04T11:32:00.001+08:00

I underestimated your hatred towards me. Never knew that you really loathe me that much. It all started off with a small misunderstanding, but you blew it up as if I murdered your family. You're scary, to be precise. Being apologetic isnt enough to clear the misunderstanding, then enlighten me. Sigh, why are you so extreme? Maybe you didnt realise that I still hope that we'll talk one day. I dont know.

2011-11-01T14:46:00.004+08:00

How would one define "blissful"? Is it just simply be happy with what you have or will greed take its rightful place before one can attain that so-called "happiness"? And when one is blissful, will one stop asking for more? Then how would one define "contentment"? To be happy with what you have and stop stretching what your potential to its max? How do we define such terms when these terms consists a myriad of elements before you can actually denote its true meaning? But of course I'm just hyping this shit up because seriously, I doubt anyone can give its definition as accurate as it is.

I do have a question in mind which is unrelated to what I've mentioned earlier.

"Why can't I change people's opinion about us?"

Again, should I be contented with what I have now and ignore remarks that would keep us apart or should I believe in what I believe in and fight for this happiness till everyone's accepting of us? it's definitely difficult to change the perspective of one when this perspective has been inborne in them for more than just one decade? Honestly, I don't feel good knowing that people around me are still persistent with their thoughts. Shouldn't they be happy for a friend for she has finally found someone she loves wholeheartedly with and happy with? Why do people see things as a whole without looking deep into its root? I don't know. Don't know what I'm fighting for.. Sometimes.

2011-10-03T17:18:00.002+08:00

It's a mixture of feelings.
What exactly am I feeling?
Why am I stoning?
How can I stop thinking?

2011-09-16T17:04:00.003+08:00

Just like what the research article had mentioned, " Stomach flu will go away on its own. "

I whined about how uncomfortable I felt last night and thought that this is going to last for at least another couple of days, but to my surprise, all the symptoms are gone. No traces of nausea, no stomach cramp, nothing. Yay! And as I was cheering for this happy moment, my phone rang. He called and told me that he has gotten stomach flu. :( BABY!! He must have felt terrible!!! :'(

Seriously there are so many uncertainties in this world which might leave you dumbfounded. Anyway, was the haze the cause of the outbreak of stomach flu? Because stomach flu seemed like a serial illness going around in my company.

Hope that he'll be better by tomorrow.

2011-09-15T23:01:00.002+08:00

I'm down with Viral gastroentritis and Gastritis. Yea awesome sickness. You get to experience vomiting, feeling nausea 24/7, feeling faint, dizziness, losing of appetite and suffer from abdominal pain. Seriously, it's the worse illness you can ever get and I got it. Anyway it's not my virgin experience but the second though. Count myself lucky that I need not go for an endoscopy.

Though this illness acted up since Sunday, it hasn't in the least bit gone away. I still feel dizzy at work, trying to hang on till work ends and yea, 2 days flew just like that after my MC ended this Tuesday. Went home today, changed, saw myself lost some fats on the legs that used to feel the tightness of the bigger jeans but now, feeling the flabs brushing against my skin as I walk. My face looks chiseled. My eyes.. worse. They look sunken! FML. It's more than just looking like a dope, a living dead or a walking zombie. I feel like a ... Idk what to describe. I need to hydrate myself badly, serverely, immensely!

I want to get well again, can I?

2011-09-02T22:17:00.002+08:00

I cant remember when was the last time I had a gym session, probably been more than 8 mths. Seriously, looking back at the things I did over the past 6 mths, I guessed Im living a very unhealthy lifestyle. Drink, drunk and being wasted is akin to a daily routine. It's a habitual behaviour which I reckoned, is hard to kick. It's amazed by how frequent I feed myself with alcohol every week and now that I try to reduce the amount of alcohol consumption, I feel so out of place. It's like after every dinner, I crave for some beer or even during dinner, I'll want to have some beer to go with it. Obviously the consequences are undesirable and I'm every bit aware of these consequences, but I cant help feeding these craves each time I have them.. Im constantly looking out for bars when there're brouchures of credit card ongoing promotions for drinks at the different bars.. and definitely it's not a good sign. I dont want to become a habitual drinker.

It's comprehendable how much difficulty one encounters to quit smoking, not because I touch these sticks but because im going through almost the same thing-alcohol. Dang! Never see myself caught in such a sticky situation before.. Brushing these craves aside certainly requires lots of determination and courage to do so when you know you can afford such 'luxury' and when you know it's so widely available in stores. Argh fuck it!

I totally need to come up with a healthy lifestyle, engage myself in this plan and kick the habit of drinking. Having these craves suggest that I may become a habitual drinker if I continue to feed on them.

2011-08-19T22:05:00.002+08:00

Son of a faggot, thanks for adding me back in facebook once again. Thanks for remembering that you once hurt me fucking bad during my poly years. You are the worse ex I ever had, ever! I can NEVER forgive what you've done and can never ever condone the nonsense you blabbered to me.

So much for your sorry. Please, you wont fucking screw with me because I know your every trick. Being too naive was my weakness, and yes, it will never be my weakness now. What's the point of saying sorry when what you do doesnt even correspond with what you say? What's utterly revolting is you, telling me that I am beautiful. A faggot like you telling me that is an insult to me. I wont fucking need your compliment to boost my confidence.

Wow, how about another round of applause of your ridiculous excuses. "After I left you, I wanted you back but your friends stared at me with dagger eyes and I couldnt get near you." FUCK YOU SERIOUSLY! If you had loved me then, you wouldnt even care what others had thought of you!! What's hilarious and totally turned me off is that you begging for forgiveness, telling me that the reason why you contacted me again is that WE MIGHT BE COUPLE IN THE FUTURE. "COUPLE IN THE FUTURE"? REALLY?! I'LL FUCKING SPIT MY PHEGLM AT YOU, THROW MY SHOES AT YOUR GROTESQUE DISTORTED FACE AND SHOW YOU HOW WE CAN NEVER, EVER BE COUPLE AGAIN!

dude, come up with better excuses to fend yourself. These excuses are too shallow and I am not that naive girl that you knew anymore. Go fuck your whore and get out of my life, you lowlife bastard. Friends again? hah, I WAS JUST PATRONIZING YOU, FAGGOT. stewpid. The misery you brought me in metaphored into hatred and not any apology can dimish this hatred within me. Even if you die, this hatred will never go away. NEVER!!!!

2011-08-17T21:49:00.002+08:00

What's wrong with me, seriously? The mind cant seem to have the slightest bit of peace..

"Don't really think you've moved on."
"Well, at least that phone's still working? Some of the photos are still intact. Charge it and take a look."
"Girls at his workplace's throwing themselves endlessly at him. damn, wow.. cool. Well at least he wont be alone for long? Will he take a fancy on her?"
"Wonder how he has been. Shd I text him?"

Totally. I dont understand why these thoughts stay in my head whenever I'm using the com alone in my room. Stop disrupting the peace or there'll be endless trouble awaiting. And I'm keeping it all to myself because there's really no one to talk to. None. I'm pretty convinced that I'm just thinking too much. Hope I'm not running away.

Many things reminded me of you though.. oh well. Move on.

2011-08-15T23:56:00.003+08:00

Keep the memories as intact as possible; dont ever screw up your mind and twirl your thoughts like a swarm of disoriented bees or you'll regret for doing so, cuz all you know is you'll tear the scalp and bled again when the memories start haunting you bit by bit.

It's not as if I dont feel anymore.. In the midst of indulging how love feels like again, no doubt sometimes I still think of you. Now that I just finished my exams and freed from all the torments in doing assignments, I screwed my thoughts again.. yea.. it has always been at the back of my head. I kept brushing 'us' aside; froze those chains of thoughts from recurring. Moving on is easy, but not really that easy, if you know what I mean. Indeed, time can wash everything away but fragments of memories stay vivid in my head and I'm positive that it's gonna stay with me for the rest of my life.

When no stimulus trigger those memories, everything seems peaceful and calm but when it's stimulated, the brain generalized thoughts which you cant really control though. Few days ago, Grandma asked me why didnt you tag along for our family gathering. One week ago, a friend asked me why did we end up this way. Nonetheless, my tongue was tied; I stumpled on my words; my conscious thoughts engulfed my excuses. Nothing but upset, that's all I can say.

And everything's gonna be alright. I know, and I hope so. Believe in the positive, no?

2011-07-17T13:17:00.003+08:00

Thanks for being so expressive in facebook. It just shows how even more childish you are in person though I totally understand why you did it. I spared a thought for you by asking if you've moved on before i changed my relationship status, but thanks.. thanks for sparing such a 'nice' thought on telling the whole world im heartless.

You said you wanted to help by asking me to delete our photos in fb. Wow, now i cant have my pictures in facebook? Yea certainly no. I have to listen to you now, is that what you really want? I still feel the pain and tried to avoid them while browsing my profile pictures, but what about you? deleted them everything. You are the one who is heartless. Those ARE our memories. Deleting them every single one doesnt hurt you in the least bit, yes? I almost cried when I know you deleted every single photo of ours. Things that you dont know and you'd never perceived them is that I actually remembered the scene of us taking them. I am heartless, YES IM HEARTLESS. YOU ALWAYS BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING, EVEN WHEN IM WITH YOU!

And if you want the whole world to support you, go ahead. Post more stuff on facebook then. Thanks for making me this affected. Wow, im really amazed for you not sparing a thought for me. I never knew this is how expressive you are when you're not when we were together. Thanks. Oh, and thanks for buying all my good friends over. If that's what you want, you've achieved your goals.

2011-06-01T01:50:00.002+08:00

it's really over this time. never knew that you'll be the one telling me 'if we are meant to be together, we will.'

it hurts so badly that it really pains me.

2011-05-31T20:56:00.002+08:00

It's the 4th day since we broke up and I still cant accept the fact that we did. Crying 4 days straight just cant do me any better. Those eyes are swollen so much so that I looked like a walking zombie; a dope; a drug addict. What can I say when all you see was my fault, my mistakes and never yours?

Perhaps all that I'm left with now are those soft toys you've given me, those dresses that you think i looked good when i donned on them, those photos we used to smile when we were loving and those memories that stays fresh each day i wake up. It's just a living hell each day I get up in the morning. I feel empty; I lost you.

You were never active on facebook and now that you are, maybe it just shows that you are happier now that you are freed from all the sufferings when you held on. Who would have known that this was coming?

I just want to shut myself from the outside world. It's affecting every part of me, especially studies. I regret but I'm not confident we can get back together cuz you stop giving me what I've always seek and yearn for- your time, your care and how much value you make me feel.

This wound will heal.

2011-05-23T00:57:00.002+08:00

nothing really lasts forever, does it? my heart aches a little when i read the entries i've posted three mths ago. it's just three mths and my feelings are that faint now that no matter how much you try, it's all too late. didnt you say you were mentally prepared for the worse? why arent you replying to my messages now? why are you running away from it? i know it hurts badly as much as i felt it. im really lost and idk what i shd do. all the things you've done for me are recurring in my mind and yes, they are the reasons why i dont want to give up yet, but i know it's selfish to be treating you this way, giving you cold shoulders, getting annoyed and throwing tantrums at you for the slightest thing. I know you wont be able to take it but im doing it. maybe i'll only know how much love exists if we were to spend some time living with our own lives perhaps when you leave, that's when i'll know how much you stand within me.
i used to be so afraid of losing you, but i guessed it's no longer applicable now. if anyone up there were to tell me how i shd go abt handling this, i believed i wont be stuck in this situation anymore.

2011-03-24T23:28:00.002+08:00

I feel so out of place and cant fathom what exactly is going through both my mind and heart. It's not exactly something bothering me but this feeling didnt seem to come at the right time, at the right place and at the right person. The one I love that I treasure doesnt seem to care if i've gotten home safety, while the other was kind enough to ask if Im back home safely.

Misjudgement of love and underestimation of this broad, unexplainable element that everyone will go through brought disaster to me. I've always thought that it's impossible to like someone else of another race and have always questioned myself how on earth is it possible for two of a different race, to come together and having sparkles flying between them, and yet, finally I got a taste of this, at the very wrong time, with the very wrong person, at the very wrong place.

It's an understatement to say that playing causes harm to one's relationship. It puts one in a sticky situation when the feelings for playing turns out to be real. Sigh.

It kinda hurts me within to hear you say this, 'sigh, finally i found someone like you to make me feel this special way i havent been feeling for 4 yrs but, i know you have a bf and there's nothing i can do anyth about it. that's the only thing i can ever sigh about.'

I really am the wrong person for you, so I put an end to your feelings in case it gets even more intensified than what you are feeling now. ):

2011-02-23T01:47:00.002+08:00

My heart warms whenever you embrace me with your open arms. I really miss you so bad that my heart wrenches a little when you held me tighter, and it clearly shows how much my heart yearns for your warm embrace and your company. Scorpios behave in such a way that no matter how much they play the field, they'll only love that one person in their heart, and I inherited that trait of a scorpio. Nothing beats your kiss on my cheek. It simply blew the frowns away, sweeps the unhappiness I've bottled and replace a pouted lips with a smiley one.
i love you, baby.

2011-02-12T22:55:00.002+08:00

It's boils down to the fact that I'm just someone rather lonely without many friends by my side whenever I need someone to confide in. Oh well, nothing beats coming to this blog to pour out what I'm unhappy within, no?

Valentine's coming. It's just within days. I saw how people rushed to get their presents settled for their love ones, including me. I know it'll definitely sound childish, immature and just plain stupid to rant about this, but I'm really upset that when I asked whether I'll get any present this year, he said no. It was a direct and straight 'no' in my face. I saw bears, flowers and lots of other stuff displayed at shopping mall for valentine's purposes, but will I even get it? No.

How did we spend our valentine in the past 2 years? Seriously I had no idea. I had no clue, no vivid impression of what we did at Valentine's day, a special day for couple. Yea it definitely take two hands to clap. I know I didnt put in enough. But.. SIGH. You know, sometimes I'm just plain envious of the people that can really smile from ear to ear during Valentine; how their partners prepare this special day meticulously; how their partners want their partners to be happy.

OK maybe I shouldnt grumble. He's been treating me nice enough. SIGH. Why is it that i feel as if I am single?

2011-02-11T17:24:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I feel that it's just loneliness that lead to those moments of folly. Maybe I shouldn't cover myself with excuses, I'm just a player.

Many a times, I've been reading your messages over and over again instead of the rest. I know you're the only one my heart yearns for. I want your care and concern so much that I wish you were here 24/7 with me. The hectic working life you have just makes no room for you to text me, show me concern whenever I need and stuff. The most one-sided texts I sent, the more stupid and silly I feel about myself. I want to text no one but you. Bi, sometimes I wish you can quit your job and get a 9-5pm work. I need you. The more I play the field, the more my heart misses you. Playing around just covers the loneliness I felt, filled the gaps that I don't get from you but the person I want is just you. Sigh. I'm just someone that cant live without love. Yes, I'm so dependent on the ones that care for me. That's just me. I no longer want to play because I'm tired. I just want you to be by my side. :(

It's our monthly anniversary again and here I am, ranting.

2011-02-03T00:52:00.002+08:00

I should stick to my 2011 New Year resolution and constantly remind myself about that.

Anyway it's the Lunar New Year already! :D Happy holidays, people! May the rabbit year be a year filled with happiness and may everyone be healthy and all the wishes and dreams will come true. HUAT AH! :D

2010-12-30T00:47:00.003+08:00

Those memories I had with you are fading with time. Yes, it reflects something good, but at the same time, I believe that it's equally bad cuz I have nothing to hold on anymore. My memory's failing me everyday and pieces of you doesn't seem to fit together as fast as the past. However, whenever I listen to " I know you want me", I can't help but recall some of the hilarious stuff that happened. The last time I had you was the one and only sweetest recollection I'd ever had with you. Wont ask for it anymore, but if I could, I certainly wont allow history to repeat itself once again. ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY.

2010-12-26T23:34:00.002+08:00

Baby,
Thanks for accepting my flaws and understanding me whenever you can. Most of all, thanks for taking care of my well being. I know I'm not a good girlfriend such as playing around so much nowadays, not behaving well in club and stuff. Even though you know I'm misbehaving, you didnt give me any tongue-slashing, and that's what I appreciate you of. Your constantly giving in attitude puts me into a position where I'll take advantage of your goodwill and I'm aware that this is bad but nonetheless, you still accept me, love me, care for me and never want to leave me. Thanks, love. Talk is cheap but I'll make sure I'll be a better gf in time to come. (:

2010-12-24T19:58:00.002+08:00

In a relationship, it doesnt involve just both parties falling in love with each other. It also concerns families from both sides. You know, sometimes I just loathe the pretence I had to put up in order to get into your mum's good books. The hypocrisy is always making me uncomfortable, akin to not allowing me to be myself. I laugh alot, so much so that I know it disturbs your mum sometimes. Sigh, and I'm aware that I'm not a good cook, or you can say that I dont even cook at all. I'm not in the least virtue and we can foresee that I wont do the cooking in the future after we're married. No one wants a prospective daughter-in-law to be behaving this way and I know your mum wants me to do the cooking for you. I hate cooking and I know I just abhor it to the core that I know I wont wanna lift a finger on cutting the veggies, frying eggs on the splattering oil and stuff. You made me questioned myself today if I am really the one for you. Sigh. Childish it may seemed, I just don't want to change myself. Baby, am I really the one for you?

2010-12-23T23:42:00.002+08:00

I like the way we are now. (: At least I know this friendship will last longer than what we used to be. Though sometimes I still think the feelings are burning within me, I guessed time can suppress and make everything fade. It's fun whenever you're around.

2010-12-19T23:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you're back, sometimes you remain the same.
Sigh, sometimes I really miss the old you very much.
Wishing that you'd return- bleak.
I took the courage to return the photo to you but I regretted it.

2010-12-18T15:52:00.002+08:00

Things are no longer the same anymore. Never knew that we have communication problems existing between us but this period proved me so wrong. I guessed it's fated. All I ask is to reinstate our friendship to how we used to behave in the past, but I supposed it's just a wishful part of me and there's no way we can be that close anymore. Why did things turn out this way?

2010-12-15T16:23:00.001+08:00

Say that I'm stupid, dumb or unwise. I just can't wait to see you later, though I know very well that I can't halt myself from giving you that foul attitude of mine.

2010-12-14T22:28:00.003+08:00

Finally a day's gone. Great job to me for suppressing the temptation to text. Soon enough, I guessed I'll withdraw from everyone. It's so tough to live the day without texting you and I very well know it's time to grow up and be mature, to be precise, independent. The photo's definitely serving its purpose but I should return you or keep it for my benefit. Words spoken can't be retrieved and ya, even though I want to ask if you've recovered, I know I shouldnt poke my nose into your affairs. Smiling, laughing and putting a facade is just parts and parcel of life and I can't deny that the hypocritical I am, forcing to laugh like I really am laughing from the bottom of my heart when the others are really laughing heartily. Oh well, is this the act of karma? No longer texting, no longer smiling, no longer doing something happy. I should get used to the silent phone and constantly wait for the messages to come in, no? Such a wimp and a nagbag, aint I? SIGH. okay. enough. I know I have nothing to hold on to. At the very least, those memories fill the gaps I'm feeling, sometimes.

I'm more than just dejected.

2010-12-13T16:29:00.002+08:00

The definition of "washing my hands off something" is actually a tell tale sign of giving up and stop muddling the affairs of someone, and this definition applies you. On top of that, I give up. No one woke me up of my senses, I just merely got knocked so hard in the head and in the heart that I know it's time to stop the imbecile feeling I'm having for the longest time. Why let someone affect and influence my mood when I have the choice to choose not to? Silly me. When no one appreciates what you've been giving, one day you'll feel that you're beyond sanity doing those stuff which you shouldnt be doing. Oh well, I'm naive. Tsktsk.

I give up, really.

2010-12-11T22:55:00.002+08:00

What was I even thinking? Why can't I just stop this? Why am i such a disgrace?! Omg, why can't I have more discipline and just stop it? Yes means yes, no means no. SIGH.
I'm sad, but what can I do? Just smile and let it go, that's the thing.
Didn't I claim that I can be indifferent of the answer before asking for it?
What's with the dejection now?
SIGH, Jiahui, where is your backbone?

2010-12-10T23:43:00.003+08:00

No, don't step into that anymore. You've been doing a great job on suppressing so don't break it.
No, don't think about it anymore. We are just friends and nothing more.
No, don't turn back anymore. This is a catastrophe which you don't want to be in.
Liew Jia Hui, wake up! OMG IT'S NOT GOING TO DO YOU ANY GOOD!

2010-12-10T16:01:00.002+08:00

Be obsessed, but don't ever be overly obsessed.
Be happy, but don't be overly happy.
Be hopeful, but don't be overly hopeful.
Be realistic, be mindful.
Be careful, be cautious.

2010-12-05T15:54:00.001+08:00

How many times must I remind myself not to be an attention seeker.

2010-12-05T15:45:00.002+08:00

I want to be happy again. Can I?

2010-12-02T21:25:00.002+08:00

so long as no one triggers the wound, i dont think i'll feel the pain no more.
probably the heart's kinda dead but somehow or rather, probably it's despondency that leads to the death of the heart.
the fantasy has come to an end and perhaps it's time to cheer because I have finally woken up from this euphoria.

on the lighter note, i still have him and it's still going strong. (:

2010-11-30T22:15:00.002+08:00

Tell me that I'm focusing on the wrong person.
I know you don't care, cuz I'm just a nobody.
It's wrong right from the start because I over-estimated myself.
I cant handle my emotions like how I thought I could.
That's just an under-statement.
Sometimes, your cold shoulder sets me thinking.
Am I just a companion that you can bypassed everytime you feel like it?
Probably you're not that sort of person but your actions made me feel otherwise.
Just.. just speechless whenever the angel in my head reminds me that I already have someone who always stand by me whenever I need someone. So why focus so much on you? Sigh.
Why cant my heart work the same way as how my rationality plays?

2010-11-28T16:33:00.002+08:00

Memories, can you just stop haunting me?
Obsession, can you just leave me?
Control, you're doing good but not quite.
Dependency, I need you to invite independency.
Unhappiness, quit lingering within me, please.

Why cant i just get this into my head that it's just not worth it?

2010-11-27T00:38:00.001+08:00

I'm so blinded.

2010-11-25T21:21:00.002+08:00

Life's too short to get upset over something trivial. We are born to play and indulge in the world filled with deadly sins and we cant deny that everyone is a victim in this world, be it getting cheated and played upon or the vice versa. Sometimes, or maybe most of the time, you court trouble on your own accord because you just want that moment of fun. You dont care about the consequences you believed it will happen and just go ahead with the things you wish to do. When you get yourself hurt, you blame yourself why you went ahead with what you desire in the first place. Filled with ultimate regrets and disappointments, there's nothing you can do except crying over spilled milk.

Life's just filled with uncertainties you cant predict. Who will ever know what will happen in the future when you just want to live the fullest at the present? It's just human nature to hold onto the things we can never possess and everyone's selfish to hold onto the things that they believe are beneficial to them. Sometimes, you just cant explain why you're doing certain things you think you shouldnt be doing. Perhaps it's just for the sake of amusement, happiness, replacement, or for any other ways that you think it's able to fill the gaps you're feeling. These moments are always short lived and we cant order them to be long lasting.

You just cant deny that sometimes life makes a fool out of you and it's too ironical in a way that it always behaves the opposite of how you want things to happen. You cant help yourself from trying to change what fate leaves you with and probably you need to admit that sometimes, it's really meant to be this way.

It's tough to practice self control because flashes of us keep twirling in my mind whenever I see you. Knowing that this isnt a very good sign, I continue to let myself seep into this state though I, very much, would love to deter this. Time is all I need. It's pointless to get emotional over silly stuff that's akin to a child's play. It's never love and will never be and gradually, I'll come to a point where I'll let go of this beautiful dream completely, wake up and get on with life without having to practice self control anymore. This day will come. I'm very sure of that.

2010-11-25T00:57:00.002+08:00

It's a torture to remind myself of that principle we have to uphold when i know my heart isnt feeling exactly what i should be doing what is deemed right.

I know im selfish to continue this shit. Not because I dont want to be there for you, I just cant pass myself. It's tough to build what we used to have because we took years to make that happen.

Maybe you never realised how much I want to meet you; you never realised how loud my heart's screaming for you; and you never realised your existence mean more than just a pillar of support in my life.

A loser that plants a seed of deadly sin will get her karma. And here it is, i've gotten a taste of what goes around comes around.

2010-11-23T23:09:00.002+08:00

I need to get a Distinction for this. I want to clear all the pre-requisite modules with that score. Fuck. How to concentrate on my studies when my mind is simply thinking of nothing else but you. OMG, i need some motivation! Sigh.

I didnt want to turn things ugly.
Im scary; im losing myself. Im losing the grip to everything.
SIGH!

2010-11-23T20:13:00.002+08:00

The fond memories are always short-lived, no?
But anyhow, why should I grumble when I know at least I have this fond memories with me?
On the contrary, maybe these fond memories will just act as a mind fucking device that will make me feel miserable whenever I remind myself that I've lost it.
Self-control and self-discipline isnt as easy as reciting alphabets.
Oh well, isnt this part and parcel of life?
And here I am, acting like a loser again, ranting.

2010-11-22T00:21:00.002+08:00

maybe i spent too much time with you, that everywhere i go and everything i do, somehow you will just appear in my mind. this isnt a good thing, yes? but at the end of the day, i can only sum up to a point that is,

"sometimes we just go ahead with the things we think we wont do because most of the time,you just cant explain why you do certain things."

2010-11-10T16:24:00.003+08:00

my mind is in a mess, my heart's in a mess.
E V E R Y T H I N G seems to be in a mess.
I brought it upon myself, no?
guessed it's probably time to keep a distance.
never knew things can get out of control.
fuck. why the hell did i let myself seep into this stupid pit again.

2010-11-03T16:25:00.002+08:00

although i know you're not at your best of mood, please refrain yourself from sinking into misery. i dont know what im treating you as. friends or more than just friends? i dont give a damn no more. it bothers me every single day when flashes of us appeared in my mind. was it meant to be a fateful october? people ask me why i have my face covered with frowns. i guessed the wound just need some time to heal. everyone needs time to recover an illness. every wound needs time to form a scalp to prevent it from bleeding again. same goes to me. it's time to get out of my euphoria. blame no one but myself for courting trouble and over-estimating myself that i could take control of the situation. was it really for the sake of thrill? well, maybe.

Quit thinking. That's the only thing i could do.

I asked someone who is as equally non-expressive like you do, why some people just can be non-expressive. The answer i got was, "no point being expressive where you know the only answer you will get is a nod or an okay." It hurts kinda bad when i heard that. what that person went through was having those shit thrown right in the face. oh well, maybe silence really helps.

there's someone who has been always there for me, irregards to rain to shine. he's the only reason why i grow stronger, why i live for a reason, why love, sometimes, just touched another.

2010-11-02T16:55:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, the heart screams silently and speak the opposite of what you verbally speak.
Sometimes, you know there's still some feelings that lingers.
Sometimes, one plays the field because he/she is feeling empty or lonely.
Sometimes, deep in your heart you want something, but because you are bounded; you are trapped, you have to put a stop to certain things you wish for it to happen.
Sometimes, people put on a facade to hide what they are feeling deep within.
Sometimes, you seek comfort in someone else.
Sometimes, somehow, people tend to play with you.
Sometimes, somehow, perhaps it was the mischief of being naive, you feel that you are cheated.
Sometimes, it's the way you behave that annoy people.
Sometimes, the memories just cant seem to fade away.
Sometimes, there are certain things you wish to say but it's better to remain unspoken for you already knew what the answer would be.
Sometimes, you just feel that there are too many uncertainties in your life that makes you wanna just get out of your comfort zone, your euphoria.
Sometimes, you hope to see a ray of light, a glimpse of hope, a tunnel that brings you out of that dark pit you've been struggling so hard to search for an exit.
Sometimes, you feel helpless. You just feel that no one's able to help and the only way to make yourself feel better is to let out a good cry, filling those eyes with tears that playing has taken its toil on.
Sometimes, you just dont understand why there are certain people in your life that are not meant to be with.
Sometimes, the wish you've made just doesn't seem to be fulfilled even though you've made that wish for that many times.
Sometimes, you just hope to keep playing the field because there's no one whom you can seek comfort in except in playing around.
Sometimes, you know you dont want to play. You know that you're sick. You know that the only thing you yearn for is a little secret that's hidden in your heart.
Sometimes, it's bad to reminisce certain parts and parcel of what had happened in your life.
Sometimes, you really wish that you werent this sad. You hope to be strong.
Sometimes, you must admit that you are selfish because you just want someone to love you.
Sometimes, the lies you've made to everyone seemed so true, but the only person who you cant deceive is none other than yourself.
Sometimes, you just cant be independent enough, cant live a solitary life.
Sometimes, or maybe most of the time, you kept yourself in your world of deception because you dont wanna get anymore hurt.
Sometimes, even by rambling the things you wish to say to the other party, it doesnt work.
Sometimes, you just need to appreciate love in order to be happy.

2010-06-20T19:46:00.003+08:00

A few hours ago, my wound developed an extreme pain and the next thing I did was to look in the mirror. Guessed what? OMG the stitches are no longer in place! One of the stitches moved along with the movement of my mouth and it hurts so bad please. ):

And because I was bored, I stalked a lot of people whom I havent been in contact with for years and months. What I meant was, I went to see their facebook to check out their photos and stuff. Perhaps guilt kicks in, I just want to chat with them for just once, but I simply couldnt muster the courage in me.

If I were to start chatting with you, please don't doubt on my sincerity because I truly wish to know how you're getting on. As much as I want to talk to you, I have my reservations too. Perhaps just do me a favor, talk to me if possible okay? I'm afraid to take the first step.

and how great, my english sucks ttm now. grrr

2010-06-15T17:08:00.002+08:00

Today is the ever first time I'm going to the dentist on my own accord, not because of braces but it's my second last molar that hurts so bad that I couldn't perform well at work, neither could I eat well either. I didnt catch a wink at all the whole night once again, like how it happened a few months ago. This time, I shall stop being a coward so I told myself that it's time to visit the dentist and face whatever that should be treated.

The reason why I hated going to the dentist for consultation or treatment is because I developed a phobia for dentist. I mean I met up with dentists that are fierce, unkind, unfriendly, not in the least caring and just do their job like they are obliged to. But today, this dentist changed this mentality of mine. He is just so nice and frankly speaking, I've never felt so safe before in the hands of a dentist. Never. The first dentist that made me feel better and cheered me up is him. :D

Anyway, I'm going for a minor surgery on that tooth that caused me pain. I'm excited and filled with anticipation that I MIGHT be able to put my braces really soon. It might be in a few week's time. :D GREAT.

2010-05-29T02:15:00.002+08:00

Life's bored, mundane and very much a routine. Days followed by weeks and months flew in a twinkling of an eye, I thought I stopped penning for almost 4 months, to be exact (after exams ended in Feb). It puts me in frustration when I ran out of vocabularies to describe my feelings. It puts me to worry when I know that there's something so wrong with my sentence structures although I need not come in contact with writing everyday. God, what has my world become?

Sadly, I was unable to make it into University this time round. Right, and why didnt I think of a backup route for myself back in early April then? If I were to apply for SIM, things would be different. At least I have something to look forward to, unlike now, working aimlessly just for the sake of earning money. Well, let's not get depressed over such things. Perhaps the course that I intend to study in SIM would pave a better career for me. (:

I need to go to the dentist real soon. Please be kind enough to deposit my duly deserved salary by the end of this month. I had enough of such imbecile acts, srsly.

2010-04-30T22:58:00.002+08:00

I want to talk to someone about this, but i can talk to no one.

Yeah, perhaps all relationships have to go through this- drifting apart. Is it me or is it us? Perhaps it was the hectic life we share, that time allows none of us to go for a walk together. Or maybe it's just a self-denial part of mine, that i believe the main reason isnt because of the other 'him'.

I hope it's just a moment of folly. All i want to do was to crap with him and nothing else. I didnt expect that things will get this complicated. It's not because of him, I hope, that our relationship is lighting up the red siren. I thought I would know my limits, but no.. the more I talk to him, the more carried away I get. Tell me it's not about him. Tell me it's because of our busy life please.

Some things like flirting should stop. And some things like feeling blissful or sweet when you say you love me should continue. I no longer feel this way when you said the three words to me. I hope this feeling will be back.

Probably after going through this, i hope that our relationship will get stronger. Be positive.

2010-04-18T16:37:00.002+08:00

I want to study and pen down notes when lecturers are talking like real soon. Don't really like the working life. It's so mundane as compared to studying. There're politics everywhere, unlike the latter. It's just merely competition and stress that you deal with. Sigh, I am really praying hard that I can get into SIT.

Sometimes I really contradict myself. I asked myself if I really want to work in the hospitality field in the future. Has it really been my wish to study in the tourism field or was it just a moment of impulse and curiosity that strikes me to study this area? Getting a degree denotes a specialization in a certain field, so do I really want to work that for life? But somehow or rather, the passion in this field is still burning in fiery red. Hope it's never going to turn blue.

There's always this second thought that follows after questioning myself. Perhaps I should be studying biomedical sciences in MDIS since I have always find genetic engineering rather fascinating. Furthermore, the credits in the degree programme covers most of the stuff i have learnt in poly. Life will be easy, wouldn't it? However, at the end of the day, the career that follows after getting that degree is to be a doctor. I don't want to deal with the life and death though. This is not what I want.

Frankly speaking, has anyone been in my state of confusion before? As in you don't know what you want to be even when your growing years is approaching the legal age of 21? And speaking of 21.. Hey, I feel that my life is wasted! If i were to enter an express class and chose JC instead of poly, I would have gotten a degree by the age of 21! Okay, maybe it's the number of A levels students in my working environment that triggers me to say this. They're just 19 and they've completed their A levels, awaiting for University admission. =/ But well, at least I feel that my life is much richer than them.

Anyway, there're instances where I envy the guys too because they have another 2 NS years to prepare themselves before entering the workforce. Ladies dont have that privilege though. I'm always green with envy. Okay, maybe i should learn how to be contented with life.

And let's hope that I can get into that degree course in UNLV. (:

2010-04-18T03:15:00.002+08:00

Please go away you stupid terrible sore throat! I need to work on Monday so please let me have my voice back! I wanna shout 'Hi, welcome!' loud and friendly one ok.

2010-04-13T13:31:00.002+08:00

If everyone can ignore the negative comments and believe in the positive ones, there'll be no wimps on Earth.

If I can turn on a deaf ear on the negative comments, I wouldnt seep into a state of confusion and doubt in myself.

If I can halt all the procrastinations that runs in my brain, I strongly believe that I can be a better person.

If I can step out of my comfort zone, put aside all the awkward feeling and start some conversation, I wouldnt be wishing for Suanling/Colene to work in the same store as me.

If I am someone who holds some high self-esteem, I guessed I wouldnt return to my shell for some protection purposes.

If my teeth wasn't this crooked, I would have been a more confident person, getting out of my comfort zone, start making friends and ignore the negative comments about me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw how their eyes beamed, how their smiles caught people mesmerized and how their happiness filled the air during their birthdays. When can I have a set of teeth that truly express how jubilant I am, not just birthdays but also in every moments that I capture?

2010-04-11T01:39:00.002+08:00

I think I'm just plain ugly. Tell me I'm right.

2010-03-28T01:43:00.002+08:00

Miracles do happen in times of crisis and dejection. It does happen!

Dearest Mum and Dad,

I am aware that you both would never read this but I want to shout out to the whole world to let everyone know that I, Liew Jia Hui, sincerely thank the both of you for loving me. I did not have the courage to hug or utter any words of love, but deep within I really wish run up to the both of you to say 'I love you'. You both made me so touched not because of any material of luxury, but because both of you tried so much to help me fulfill my dreams even though both of you bounded by difficulties. )': I really appreciate it. Thanks, Mum and Dad! I SERIOUSLY LOVE THE BOTH OF YOU VERY MUCH! The love that both of you bear for me touched me really deep within.

And Gran, thanks for your support. You allow my dreams to come true.

2010-03-26T23:10:00.003+08:00

My heart sank when I threw the UNLV's brochure away. Silly, isn't it? So near yet so far. It was within my reach a few weeks back but now, POOF! Everything's gone down to the drain, hopes are dashed, dreams are shattered, and my future's finished. I'm starting to get used to the working life- 8.30pm to 6.30pm. I've been trying to erase my memory and input some new quotes that says, 'Life is not just about studies. It's not entirely about gaining something out of it but it's how you want to deal with it.'

On the lighter note, I'm really grateful to the people who shower care and concern on me, who asked me to be determined and stay strong and never give up. Thanks, people. Your encouragements keep me going.

2010-03-25T23:09:00.002+08:00

It's upset to smile when you're actually not feeling happy at all but because you're forced and bounded with circumstances, you smile as if you do not have any troubles with you. A facade will still reveals how fake a smile can be, how sad one can be, and how desperate one tries to stay happy. It was too huge a blow for me to handle. Perhaps the problem lies in me; it's difficult to stay positive. This is the second time in my entire life that I intend to commit suicide. It's not that life isnt pleasing enough, but i think it's how much I wanted something out of it.

Perhaps the expectations I set were too far-fetched, or maybe I was naive and gullible, I cant snap out of how cruel reality is, which led to suicidal thoughts, depression and nothing but tears. Seriously, the only person that we can put total trust on is not our parents, not our friends, neither it is our dogs or cats. It's ourselves. Broken promises can lead to a great deal of disappointments, dejection and depression, so never break a promise if you dont intend to uphold your words. It hurts so bad when someone you're so dear with actually break promises.

I reckoned I was too complacent with what I have. But I just realised that no one understands me in the family. Everyone's busy with their work. No one listens to what I have to say within. They jump into conclusions and make awful accusations. What can I do? Stay silent and swallow. This is how I learnt about the way they see me as a person and as a family member. What is the dearest thing I have in life? I would say, family. But do they understand me? No, they don't. Money breaks relationships? Yes, it does and it happens. But do I still value this family despite of the treatment I received? Definitely. I did self-reflection before I point the faults back to anyone. But seriously, the words that were spoken wasnt fair to me, not at all.

For the next one yr, I will strive hard for myself, for my degree, and for my braces.
*colene and xueting, I apologize for not being able to join you girls in SIT this year. I'll register my degree only in yr 2011 after I've enough savings for my own education.

*I wont ask a single cent from anyone to bring me back to education.

2010-03-24T20:45:00.002+08:00

1) I did my best, pushed myself to the max, but the result was nothing but futile.
2) In this world, no one can be trusted. NONE.
3) Suppressing. Big girls don't cry literally. They cry within.

2010-03-20T00:34:00.007+08:00

Don't you agree that studying is a lifelong affair which you cant live without?
I certainly hope that I can get a degree before the age of 23.
Anyway, converting to a full-time sales associate is a must now. I do hope that the working environment would be fun-filled.
One more thing. I was on my bf's bike today and I saw a notice at a dental clinic that they're offering an affordable instalment rate for braces at just $100/mth! It got me rather excited because i can still meet my ends granted that i were to pay for this. Smiling from ear to ear, I asked my bf if he was as happy as me, thinking that perhaps he would be. However, the reaction he gave made me out of sort.

Me: bi, it's only $100 lehh. OMG! I want to put man! So cheap only! at most pay for 3 yrs can liao. aren't you excited that I'm going to have my teeth straightened? *grin*
BF: *stroke my head* nahh. I dont feel excited. I just feel happy for you that finally you wont be bothered by appearance, causing you with so much low self-esteem.
Me: *silent, abit xin suan.*

Anyway I've made up my mind. Once I convert into a full-time sales associate, I'll rush to the dentist for the re-alignment of my teeth-BRACES. :D I cant imagine myself with those straight teeth on my gums. It's something beyond any beings can comprehend.

2010-03-17T18:28:00.004+08:00

My head's no longer spinning. Frankly speaking, a minor cold can get me so sick for the day. Can you imagine I was shivering the whole night but I was just too lazy to search for my blanket in the dark? So I slept throughout the whole night, with the fan blasting in my face and crouching myself to sleep despite of the cold weather. It felt almost as if I was in an air-conditional room. Cool huh? Not at all. I'm running a fever. -.-

Anyhow, has anyone heard of this university by the name of 'Singapore Institute of Technology'? I received a text from SP today that this university's having an open house on the 20th and 21st March and even looked into my mails for more details of this university. I was stunt and shocked to know that the fees payable for the course I want to get in is so much lesser than MDIS because the school fee's under government subsidy. Well, I hope money doesnt speak quality in this case. Between these fees of $9k and $30k for SIT and MDIS respectively, which is more appealing? Both provides internship, both duration are of 2 years, and to my surprise, the no. of credits in SIT is so much more than the one offers in MDIS. WOW. This is great. It's definitely worth the consideration. Recognition wise, I'm going to check this out again.

I just found out that Murdoch University is one of the most recognized university that offers tourism degree and is in collaboration with Kaplan. But the intake is at April. zzz. Okay, that's kinda too early.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know you couldnt be trusted. You know you have a boyfriend, but why did you even allow anyone to flirt with you? I would want to describe you as wanton and brazen. Your friends weren't in the least wrong about you. Behind your back, they said you'd change bfs like how you change clothes. But hey, I thought they were wrong. Anyway, I think you proved them every single bit right. Within these few months of relationship, I saw how you treated my friend badly, how miserable you've made him to be. I saw how reluctant you are in trying to salvage a relationship in which you know very well that something's wrong with the both of you (I dont think you're unaware of the barrier that exist in the both of you). I saw how little you want to open up to him, how little you trusted him. Hey, you don't fit to be his girlfriend in the least bit. He deserves someone so much better than to stuck with a girl like you. It's all for one reason. It's because he loves you. But all you did was taking him for granted. Don't you have even any morales to cover up for the things you've did, the things you've said and the things you've written? You know very well how much you hate two-timers, but now you're doing something which cannot be pardoned. Hey, you're a bitch to me. So tell me, are you just aiming for his money to provide you with luxuries, food, movies and some other stupid things? Did you even realise that you've gone too overboard these days? Can I ask you whether if you've ever been in the duties of a girlfriend, listening to his sorrows, hearing him whine, be in his shoes for a moment or two and giving him the slightest pride a guy should have? I guessed, it's definitely a no. All you wanted was to change him to be the person you want him to be, the ideal boyfriend you had in mind. Aren't you in the least bit appreciative for the things he had done for you? I dont think so. How do you even treat relationship? HIDING THINGS BEHIND HIS BACK? I did this before, and I know I was wrong. I was guilty-striken, but I doubt you're in the least remorseful. Hey, can you just open up everything to my friend? I want him to be freed from all the torments he's undergoing. Stop being a princess. Do some self reflection, please. If you still think you're right about yourself, then jolly well quarrel more with your bf. But I must remind you, you've got the nicest bf on Earth. It's you who have never given him a chance to speak for himself. You condemned him dead even when he tried to speak. Tell me I'm right about you if you think the one I'm referring to is you. I have many friends and if you think you're that kind of person I speak in this blog of mine, perhaps it's really time to question yourself if you're really the right girl for him.

2010-03-16T21:58:00.004+08:00

I'm sick of life, seriously. There're so many phases in life that I feel so lost, depressed and dejected. Sigh. Money is seriously a big issue to my life. It contributes very much to the state of loss I'm suffering now. Never did I get this dejected before. Does it happen to all adults? I hate it. I hate to be penniless; a pauper. I cant stand myself not being able to complete the things I had in mind.

Degree. Degree programme. Money. Ya, I'm penniless, so are my parents. I don't want to count on them anyway. Who's able to allow me to go on credits with them? Who? The bank? Tsk. Fuck. Life sucks. LIFE SUCKS! I want to kill myself.

Why the fuck did I reject all the full-time jobs that called on me?! FUCK. I could have gotten myself a 1.8k as customer service officer, a 1.6k for working under the government, or a 1.7k as a lab technician. FUCK. And I wont be so bothered by the money issue if I were to accept those jobs! Why did I reject the lab technician job today man! This could be the only chance to save myself. FUCK. Why didnt I think before I speak?! Fuck. FUCK LIFE! FUCK LIFE!!

SIGH. ok, no. I must hang on.
I wont stop studying. I'll have my ways. Wont give up this minute.

2010-03-13T16:47:00.004+08:00

There're many things I'd like to blog about. MANY MANY! HAHAHA. ALL HAPPY THINGS!

First and foremost, I finally got a job! Retail sales associate at USS with the pay of $6.50/hr. Whoo! I applied for this job at the career fair held last week and seriously, I thought the chances were rather slim because the booth was packed with people and they were busying jotting down their particulars on the application forms. SO HAPPY CAN. I saw this rate and it's like OMG. It's a dollar more to my pepperlunch salary!

I planned to leave e2i(employment and employmentary institute), the place for RWS interview, because the waiting time was lengthy! Can you imagine you sit there for 3 stupid hrs just to wait for your turn to have your interview? -.- It's like you're waiting for your consultation in the polyclinic. zzz Luckily bf was with me. But he was grumpy all over the place because he hates to wait. I knew he wanted to leave and I had the urge to leave too because I hate to wait equally the same as him. LOL! He stopped me eventually. But frankly speaking, it was worth the wait cuz I was actually shortlisted for this job and their so-called interview was just to ask whether we're fine with the retail hours and the number of days we're able to commit to. HENG I NEVER LEAVE THAT PLACE! THANK GOD JR'S AROUND! But while I was waiting, I really wished that Suanling was beside me so that we can work tgt. ): SIGH. She could have done a walk-in interview there and she'll get the job too for sure! But she's at Bangkok. ):
*BUD, I MISS YOU MAN.

Anyway, I had two interviews before that interview that day. One was the night safari, the other was a pre-screening interview at Humanics Ptd Ltd. I didnt know the Night safari's located at the North area until I checked out the webpage on how to travel to that place. I thought I'd be in for the Jurong Bird Park but anyway, because I realised the place is SO FAR AWAY, I didnt go for the interview. hahahahah. Decide to give this a miss. I screened them before they screen me.

At Humanics Ptd Ltd, that interviewer didnt even interview me. It's an agency anyway. All he did was to tell me how the IR works. After which, he looked into my resume again and said he'd refer me to the IR. Next, he asked me how many passes I had in O lvls and what was my English results. I must say, it was really a wise decision made to retake English because the moment I told him my EL results, he offered me another job in the government sector. No wonder Mrs Pan said that English's important. She was the one who encouraged me to retake my EL. My saviour! HAHAHA. Anyhow, that person said I'd most probably be shortlisted for the government sector's interview. He even taught me how to speak well, how to dress, and he told me I had to put on make-ups. I'm really guilty that I didnt accept any of the jobs he offered because he's really sincere in helping me to get a job that can fit into the expectations I want. I even bargained to have a salary of 1.5k to 1.6k for the government sector's pay and he agreed to it! But I didn't know I was already shortlisted for the RWS. LOL. He called me when my battery was flat and he told my mum I'm shortlisted for the company's interview alr. Sorry ar.. waste your time on referring my particulars to the companies.

Thank God all the interviews and searching-for-jobs period's over! DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TEDIOUS IT IS TO FIND A JOB THESE DAYS? I've finally gotten a taste of this.

Anyway, the second thing I am so exuberant about is because ...
BOYFRIEND BOUGHT ME A TICKET TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS SINGAPORE~ OMG!!
We're going on Monday and I'm seriously so excited that I promise I'd sleep before 12am tmr so that I wont be late on Monday for this exciting trip. WHOOOOO!

Each time I see you, I fall for you over and over again. We're like still in our honeymoon period. hahahah. <3

2010-03-11T00:38:00.006+08:00

Basically, I'm at the peak of nervousness because I'm having my first full-time job interview tmr. To be exact, the position I had applied was a lab technician, but the company called that lab technicians are not needed anymore. They need an administrator for the time being. So, the interview is tomorrow and seriously, I'm not in the least prepared, which is the reason behind my those butterflies in my stomach.

It's 12.41am and my portfolio is still somewhere in my wardrobe. Yes, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. I threw my portfolio in the wardrobe because I didnt have my table didnt have enough space for revision. Great, tell me that I'm not the right candidate to do filing because it's proven that I'm not in the least organized. I'm pretty sure that friends who sat around me during my secondary school days are aware that I am not an organized person. My worksheets are everywhere; crumpled paper almost filled up the spaces I had under my desk. Some kind souls even offered their help to aid me in filing my worksheets. Now tell me, I don't fit the bill to be an administrator at all, am I? ):

My mind is in a twirl. I do not know what I should wear for my interview. The worse thing is, I feel that I am going to stammer tomorrow! Oh man, I have a feeling that my presentation skills is going to be extremely bad! I havent been practising at all! ): I know it's pointless to think about what will happen tmr, and that I should spend my time wisely now by searching for the right outfit and get my portfolio out instead of ranting my unhappiness here.

My motto: I can do it and I must do it. (This quote has been with me since sec 1.) hahaha.

2010-03-09T13:26:00.002+08:00

I forgive people easily. But if you were to make me develop that sense of abhorrence for you, I should make a round of applause for you. You'll be condemned forever in my life.

I believed that my hypocrisy was developed since young. I tend to hide how much I hate someone, and would never ever reveal the hatred I bear right in the face of the person I hate. Smiles will still be worn on my face even if my rival/enemy comes in contact with me. Jokes will still be hysterically born in the air if I were to talk to this person. Perhaps I did not want to blow things up, or to allow things to be out of control, hence I chose to allow the hatred to grow within my deepest heart. I allow the bud of hatred to bear into a fruit of revulsion, withdrawal and disgust for my antagonist. I guessed, not everyone behaves like me. Not everyone agrees to how I behave or acknowledge the way I'm handling things, but this is me. Never will I ever forgive or forget how much that person who has inflicted the worse pain I've ever gone through even if I verbally acknowledge a forgiveness received.

Some proverb goes like this, " It's tiring to hate someone." But in my opinion, it's not exhausting to develop an abhorrence, neither does it cause any fatigue to hate someone. It's a feeling that secures within you, so why would you ever feel worn? Philosophies.

I hate people who sheds crocodile tears, gaining sympathy by utilizing the active tear gland and putting on a facade that took advantage of my naiveness. This type of people are the worse.

2010-03-07T00:15:00.002+08:00

My tongue's craving for some sips of 'Sex on the Beach' after viewing a variety show that introduces pubs. Well, 'Sex on the Beach' is an alcoholic drink I had on New Year. I miss that taste that drink produced, the sweet and bitter note that intertwined and complemented very well with each other. But I guessed I wont be stepping in to that pub in the near future, afterall, it's difficult to call the cliques out for a drink. They prefer clubbing. HAHA. I wish to club some day. Wonder how it feels to club in Singapore.

Anyway, my bills are distinctively costly. Been kinda lazy to pay the bills, lazy to walk to the AXS machine from my house to the market area, to be exact.

Perhaps I'm too crazy over getting registered for a degree program at MDIS, I want to get my results fast, so much so that I've been counting down to the release of sem's results' date. I just want to get my ass out of SP asap. I dont think I'll register for Massey Uni. Shall save that $25 application fees, afterall, I hate Science. I dont like my diploma course, and I dont wish to be a lab technician for life.

Bf's trying to influence me in getting in to Kaplan for the degree I want so that we can study the same thing together. I just read the brochures and the course isnt that bad, but it doesnt come with internship. MDIS offers that, but I presume that the cost will be slightly steeper than Kaplan's. I cant wait to work after getting a degree. I'll be 23 then. Great! I dont have to be tied down by the teaching bonds if I were to choose this path to walk. Oh, I just get wait to study Tourism and Resort Management Degree. And and and, I even planned to get myself an Honors after getting a degree. hahaha. Okay, that's kinda far-fetched but well, I'll fulfill that dream someday. (:

I need a job. Anyone has any job to offer me? Best is retail sales assistant or administrative duties because I want to gain some experience in these area. It'll surely reflect something good in my resume. (:

I'm not getting too ambitious, am I? Hopefully not, but sometimes I feel that I'm one.
Jiahui, one step at a time PLEASE. Right.

I miss my boy again, although I just met him yesterday. our 16th months is coming. ehh.. Actually I'm green with envy when it comes to seeing couples wearing rings on their fingers. Onlookers will go 'awww..' and I'm one of them. Not that I dont want to get a pair of couple ring for us, in fact I really wish to have that last November, but it's the unpleasant memories that give me the jitters on buying couple rings. I mean, I had my first ring when I was with my second ex. After possessing that ring for a mth, we broke off. The second time I had my ring on was with Jianye. History repeated itself. One month later, our relationship got strained and 3 mths later, silent break. I never want to buy any rings anymore after these 2 incidents. Is that a curse or it's just a coincidence that I didnt maintain my relationships well? I still kept both rings though, in fact I kept all the gifts I received everything in a box.

Well, I really love JR so much that I can no longer live without him. Contradicting it may be, I never want to take any risk into buying rings, but I really wish to own a pair that solely belongs to us. Sigh. ): I call my relationship stable, but I'm really scared. I sought for his opinion over the phone yesterday.

me: ehh our 16th mths' coming. walau, i saw some photos on fb and i want to have couple ring lehh.. can we have couple ring not?
him: duh, of cuz can arh. you're the one that stopped me from buying couple rings, rmb?
me: i scared what. hahaha.
him: last time when im rich, u dont want me to buy. Now that I'm poor, u want a pair of couple ring. silly girl.
me: fuck la. hahaha. k la, wait till u rich again den we buy lorr. hahaha.

Well, I think it's best not to buy la hor? What do you think?

2010-03-04T23:26:00.002+08:00

It's finally the end of my examinations! FINALLY!

It's a release to be able to smile, laugh, type, play, eat, sleep, work, and have fun after 2 weeks of torment under study stress. I really wish that I dont need to work and there'll be cash updated to my bank account at the end of the month. But well, I should face the cruel reality that exist. There's no way I can slack at home and do without work.

Speaking of work, I dont want to work Pepperlunch anymore. It's time to try something new, something which I can write in my resume that will aid in my future career instead. A few days back, I was reading my resume and not only did I realize the importance of having some sales experience, I also learnt that my language is getting worse than before. There's no way I can type as freely as compared to the past, not to mention writing coherently and fluently. It's time to brush up my English, because communicating in Chinese seriously isnt my forte. If my English gets worse, I strongly believe that my communication skills will go downhill.

Anyway, it's great to have some time accompany my friends after that nerve-cracking paper in the morning. A great time with them, as well as my cousin. We relate very well to each other, and it feels that we're like sisters instead of cousins. She's like a friend to me, though a tinge of childhood still exist in her. (she can laugh like mad at the slightest thing)

I wrote an appeal letter for her. Hopefully she'll get in to that course after that person reads my appeal letter. I tried my best to write the best for her, but.. it's difficult cuz I havent been in contact with writing. It's down to English again.

Was thinking of taking up a degree after graduation. Private degree, of course. I applied for the teaching route, but it's up to fate to decide if I am able to walk this path for the next 8 years. I prayed that I can get in, but simultaneously, I plead that I can get into the degree of Tourism and Hospitality Management. It's been my dream to be in this trade, so hopefully my dreams can form a state of reality for me to survive, as a ricebowl for me too.

Actually I once had the impression that there goes my higher education. But hey, Mum gave me a slight encouragement that I can study the degree I want. Yay! ^^ For that, I made some resolutions for myself on what to achieve for the next 5 yrs:

-get a degree, not just a pass but a merit.
-get a driving license for myself
-get my poor teeth straightened after being 21 years of laughing stock
-be filial and give my parents money ^^
-should obtain at least a 5 to 6 figure for savings

(:

2010-02-20T13:49:00.002+08:00

After publishing this entry, I swear i'll study and shut all blogger, facebook and the source for my Firefox- the house modem! Damn it. Why is it that when exams are nearing, the will to study is gone?! fuck. i shall ask someone to change my fb password like real soon. I have to finish my revision by today, by hook or by crook! I'd have finished long time ago if I didnt extend my sleeping hours or procrastinate the revision period. zz. Exam is like 2 more days and im still fooling around!

Sigh. Okay, actually I seriously miss my boy. He went to Genting, enjoying with his friends. ):
Damn, I cant stand not laying my fingers on my hp screen. I want to text him so much now!
Faster come back lehh. I need your supervision and your encouragement!

2010-02-19T22:07:00.003+08:00

Deric Chen,
Wow, I cant imagine you manage to trace me back.
You want me to accept your friend request in FB?
Alright then, I shall grant your wish.
Dont blame me because your agony will start today.
(:
You shall pay for all the wrongdoings you've done two years back.
I will make you pay for hurting 13 innocent hearts.
Sucker.

2010-02-11T14:18:00.002+08:00

Love is no walk in the park.
Bitter but a sweet after-note.
A lil' bit of misunderstandings spice up the relationship.
A lil' bit of sadness draws us nearer.
A lil' bit of impatience to make room for some understanding.
A lil' bit of heart-wrenching moments to ring the 'cherish' button.
Love is just.. unpredictable.
Sugary.
Love is when the assurance exist,
the trust is present,
and the adrenaline rush gushes. (:
Happy 15mths.

2010-02-09T23:21:00.002+08:00

Something is wrong with our relationship, or should I say, something is wrong with me?
The love is there, definitely. But hey, why the hell do I always feel that I'll lose my patience on you anytime of the day?

SIGH.

2010-02-07T22:41:00.002+08:00

Baby, I miss the old you.
I know you'll never read what I've posted here, even though you've got hold of my URL.
Perhaps I'm starting to get demanding, beginning to make things difficult for you, or even seemingly unreasonable to a certain extent, but baby, I miss the days where you make me feel that I'm your utmost priority.
I hope I'm not being sensitive. Idk, it just puts me worrying a little knowing that you're alright with not texting me for the whole day, and that you didnt probe why I didnt initiate to text you too. I guessed you're asleep, and this is to say that we hadnt been contacting for the whole of today. It's been days. We chatted over MSN only for a few sentences. What has become of us?
The honeymoon period-guessed it's over. Sweet? Not everyday anymore. You're sure going to preach if you saw this, but I still hope that the JR i know will be back. Why cant sweetness last forever? Sigh, okay. It's something we need to talk over now.

I cant say that you've neglected me because of your work. But baby, are the schedule at Universal studio so tight up to the neck?

2010-02-06T01:00:00.002+08:00

I want to rebond my hair ASAP!
I want to change my phone to LG Crystal!
I want to clear all my reports by Monday!
I want to find job that offers rather high wages!
I cant wait to study for my exams! hahaha! (sick in the mind)

2010-01-31T01:03:00.002+08:00

I see myself working instead of studying in University after I graduate. That's probably a good thing, but well.. someday, and I really meant that someday, I'll get myself a degree.

I have my plans, and will go according to what I've in mind. As for now, the focus should be on my upcoming exams and the incomplete reports that are supposed to be submitted by the end of next week. (:

Gotta buck up real much.

2010-01-23T23:30:00.003+08:00

chemicals- odour description

furanol- burnt, furavo, used in strawberry flavor, sweet and caramelic (caramel smell)
lemon oil- lemon, refreshing note (lemony smell)
hexylactate- estery note, green leafy note, green apple flavoring (bitter banana smell)
diacetyl- sweet caramelic note (ice cream smell)
vanillin- pandan buttery note
iso-amylacetate- sweet, warm (similar to hexylactate)
cis-3-hexenol- fresh grassy note (cod liver)
terpinolene- clorinated, pungent, disinfectant note
ethyl capronate- pineapple note, distinctive butyeric smell (very ripe pineapple smell)
gamma-nonalactone- lactonic note, sweet butyeric (coconut oil smell)
propylene glycol- no smell, diluent of solvent

Idk how the hell i should go about memorizing these flavors.

2010-01-20T23:50:00.004+08:00

I hate myself for having the urge to get close someone. I hate myself for not having the complete control of fondness chatting with that someone that much. I hate myself for not being straight. I hate myself for liking butch so easily. I hate myself for having a slight fast heart beating experience when I know I'm getting close to that someone. I hate myself for telling this to my bf. I hate myself for not controlling who I am. I hate this identity of mine.

My love wont change for you, darl.
I can assure you that.

2010-01-16T00:15:00.002+08:00

Well, recently I saw one of my exs on the street with his girlfriend and I supposed they intended to avoid me, or perhaps they didnt want to pause their footsteps near the vicinity I was standing, which was at the platform of the traffic lights, so they chose the other path instead of taking their usual route.

Sometimes I wished I had the courage to ask him how he has been doing in his life. Is he still schooling or has he graduated? If he has, is he proceeding to polytechnic? These questions remained as questions that would never be answered.

Saving some of the past conversations I had with all my exs is indeed the right thing to do because they serve as a perfect memory for me to recollect, be it happiness or hurt. Of course, I'm no longer concern about the emotional drive I had in the past, but at least certain things which faded with time are back now. To me, these conversations sounded interesting after 2 years had past from the time of incident.

Actually, there're two person I am very guilty of, even till this point of time, because I believed that the naive and stubborn-minded me inflict them with psychological turmoil at that juncture where I declared a break-up. One of these people is Jianye, while the other is B.

I recalled very vividly how much hurt there was when trying to put an end to the relationship. As the reading and comprehension for the conversation I had with Jianye proceeds, I saw the immense hurt he had at that point of time. I forgot how this relationship failed, but with that conversation, I saw how I gave a heartwrenching injection to him. Through exchanging messages via MSN, we quarreled over another party, and because I was being too defensive about that person, things got out of hand. Enough was enough. 'End it' was the phrase that came into my mind. However, there was one thing I was sure of, and that was I didnt want him to give the other party a punch on the face because of me as the reason. His behaviour pissed me off, and perhaps he was still a juvenile, I believed he would have reckoned he was immature enough to look back at this now.

After the relationship, he tried to reconcile, patch things up and tried to be friends with me. But because of the awkward situation that I was caught at that point of time, I rejected this bridge for the synthesis of this friendship piece by piece. I was foolish, I presumed.

All I wanted to say is, I'm sorry, JianYe. I regret as I looked back at the relationship. Not that I regret for not holding onto this, but i regret for bottling everything up and throwing everything back at you that very night. This might be insignificant to you now, but to me, it still meant something. Not love, but apologies.

2010-01-08T00:36:00.002+08:00

I'm so glad that my formal report is done, though there are still many pending assignments awaiting for me to clear. Well, at least no more formal reports. Oh wait.. Shit! Damn, tmr there's still one more formal report for me to do. Okay, hurray, let's cheer. zz.

I'm waiting for 13th to arrive, because after this day, I'll be officially free from FYP. Sigh, I dont have much to say about this project, because i know it's beyond hope. An A or a B is impossible, I know it very well.

I hope that this year will be a great year ahead. I know I'm a little bit late for this, but who cares.

Heaven is always fair, if you ever look it positively.

2009-12-31T15:54:00.003+08:00

On this last day of year 2009, I just want to remind everyone that..

You cant never order anyone to do what you are fond of doing. Just like you can never order love.
Perference is deemed as subjective. Dont give critics.
Reflect, Process, Think, then Speak.
Most importantly, GET HOLD OF YOUR EMOTIONS.
Watch the way you speak.
Be mature and dont act like a spoilt brat.
This is a just generic entry.

2009-12-30T00:42:00.002+08:00

):
I hate to be sick! It's been days already and I'm still unwell. Giddy spells, nauseous, weak, wobbly legs and arghh.. Cant get to see Darl because I'm terribly down with all the sickness. Damn, I want to meet him lurhh.

Dont even know if im able to work tmr. I'm too sick to move. ):
And how great. I lost the formal report data. __

Boy, I miss you terribly.

2009-12-28T01:34:00.003+08:00

Bad flu! ):

Reports to be done:
-Food Flavours Datasheet
-Formal report for Samuel Aw

5 more days before school reopens. Gotta finish by 31st dec.

2009-12-24T16:40:00.003+08:00

I just want to tell the world not to scorn on homosexuals,
because for one simple reason,
they have the right to choose who they want to love.
If anyone were to ever affront, despice or mock at them in my presence,
I'll assure that this person beg my words for mercy.

2009-12-21T02:31:00.003+08:00

SIGHHHHH. It's getting rather late, but here i am, pouring all that unnecessary sorrows.
Damn, I've realised that I changed quite alot. I mean, I dont really get upset if any girls were to talk to any of my exs when I was in a relationship with them. But this time, it kinda hit me hard in the face. Am I being too sensitive or is it that i just feel very insecure? There's a small villian in the mind that keeps telling me,' hey, what's up within them?' and sth like,'hey he seems pretty excited when she added him.'

It's getting unreasonable and I'm aware of that. There's always a devil and an angel telling me about the blacks and whites. But, arghhh... FUCK CAN. This psycological thing is getting on my nerves! I just cant stop myself from thinking about the negatives!

Yea, this time, i wont tell him how i feel. He have always been telling me about being reasonable, because if i start to get doubtful about him, he'll stop opening up to me about him. :/ I wouldnt want a quarrel either.

): but i dont feel very good now cannnnn. I wanna know what's going on! ):<

I admit that I throw tantrums at him very often these days and hence, I'm trying to get hold of myself. Arghhh, should i ask him or should i just bloody keep this thing at the back of my head and stop being too sensitive on the littlest things? GRRRRR.. this sucks a million times!

Okay.. * INHALE and EXHALE*
I shall stick to the latter- by keeping quiet and dont probe.
:/

2009-12-20T16:43:00.002+08:00

It's always somewhat awkward when it comes to meeting up with BF's band members. I mean, they are beings too, but it's just that pyscological barrier that's hindering me from talking to them. They're friendly and crazy, but all i can do is just to sit there and here them talk. That was the usual style of me when I always have to meet up with them, and I hate that kind of awkward feeling drowning the whole of my head.

However, things turned better yesterday. I talked more than 2 sentences to them last night! :D For your information, there were 4 of them. Being able to crap with half the group is an achievement to me, much. hahahah.

It was a day for gifts and exchanging of presents for advance Xmas celebration. I got chocolates and biscuits, but those chocolates were just too sweet for me. Damn, I feel the burning sensation in my throat now. And the packaging states that it's Fruits and Nuts chocolates. But hey, I only ate like 4 to 5 chocolates that contains nuts in its core! zz. Anyway, I've never really liked chocolates, but because these chocolates are sooooo sweet, I start to abhor them! YUCK. Alright I dont really mind if you call me a weirdo, because I presume all girls on this earth LOVE chocolates, unlike me. I have male hormones. LOL! Okay, actually who doesnt? If you're a human, you'll definitely have both MALE AND FEMAL HORMONES! Amazing, huh? :D

Have been catching up with the book, New Moon. The movie did not really go into details like how the book described. Anyway, I'm finishing that book soon. Hopefully Jing's done with my Eclipse, because the curiosity on what will happen next is getting immense! hahaha

Soon it's gonna be Serene's, Xueting's and DAD'S + SIS'S birthday. Not to forget, there's X'mas! It's definitely a whoo-ha, but damn, I need to earn extra much to cover up for all these gifts, presents, dinner and celebration! Idont mind even if anyone were to throw me money on the face, because when it comes to desperation, you wouldnt know what one is capable of. Of course, I'm not that kind where I'll steal, rob or cheat like the one who was crowned as the very (in)famous beauty queen. Speaking of that, CCN gave her this title as the most influential person in Asia. HOLY!

Alright enough of all this shyt. I'm going to get myself prepared for a big feast at Granny's house later! WHOOHOO~ :DDD

2009-12-17T01:24:00.002+08:00

I hope I reap what I sow.
I'm doing whatever I can for this FYP report now, seriously.
SIGH.

2009-12-13T23:30:00.002+08:00

):
Darl.. Please take care and get well soon.
It hurts me to hear the coarse voice of yours.
Sighs.

2009-12-12T19:43:00.004+08:00

I once love working, because work kills time and keeps me occupied. But NOW, now that I have tons and tons of work to accomplish, truckloads of workload for me to clear, I HATE WORKING. Why do i have to work! ): It's so mundane! Sigh, but then again, where do i get the money if i dont work? It's always the money, never about the mood.

On the 10th Dec, I met my cousins, both almost love-sicked. HAHA. Anyway, I just hope that their situation would have a better turn. Speaking of my cousins, I feel younger going out with them. They're 16/17, while I'm 20. I'm not sure if it was a blessing in disguise, an ah beng mistook me as a secondary school kid, probably? I'm not sure. This is how the story goes.

While we were sharing our stories at Mac, there was this young couple that got very intimate right beside us. Of course, it's natural to look, no?

After which, we went to the toilet and before entering the cubicles, I saw the girl who got initmate with the guy in Mac queuing behind my cousin. But before i knew it, she sort of vanished into thin air.

We came out of the toilet and met up with my guy cousin and then..

This boy from the young couple, trying to act beng in order to awe us, confronted us because he learnt from his 'stead' that WE laughed at her where we actually didnt. The truth was, we were laughing hard when we were sharing our stories! Damn, aint his girl sensitive? Plus, instead of looking me in the eyes when confronting us, he faced the floor with his arms opened wide in comparable with an eagle trying to take it's flight, said this piece of shit," ehh, you all laugh at my stead is it?"

God damn, he really doesnt have balls to look me in the eyes though i was just right infront of him. Of course, we denied that we laughed at his beloved whore. I turned to look at that whore and she who told her stead that we laughed at her, was too afraid to look at us too. Damn, both of them really.. zzzzzzzz.

Alright, then the guy walked off by saying to the floor, ' you all better dont let me know you all laugh at my stead ar!' zz . HE LOOKED AT THE FLOOR WHEN SAYING THAT! zzzzz. FUCK HIM LAHHH. HUM CHEE SIA. Man, why cant he just look me in the eyes and say that?

SIGHS. I certainly wish that he could start a fight so that i can call my colleague down. HAHAHA. WeeLip is ex-chief ah beng lehh. See who will die first. LOL!!

2009-12-08T23:25:00.003+08:00

Every night before I hit the pillow and close my eyes, the youngest one would look for the second youngest sister to play with her. There're just too many videos that can trigger my laughter, too many silly moments to capture. Tonight, they sang 'Happy Birthday' to their soft toy Piglet, and the other soft toys surround their so-called 'birthday cake', which is made up of mainly pillows and blankets. Damn, how can i not laugh every night, or should i say,

HOW CAN I EVEN CONCENTRATE ON MY STUDIES WHEN THEY ALWAYS MAKE ME LAUGH? LOL!!

2009-12-07T18:53:00.002+08:00

Probably because i had too much caffeine, i couldnt really concentrate. Not as in i couldnt stay awake- well in fact it wont pose a problem to keeping my eyes wide open to the next morning- it felt as if reading takes place too fast, so much so that i literally read and nothing goes in my mind. My eyes screened every individual words, fast, but just too fast that i'm scared. It happened consecutively two days straight, or should i say, the effect is still manifesting gradually within me now. Damn, this made me so nervous whereby i shouldnt be in the least nervous while typing this piece of shyt now. But i cant stop having coffee, because i need this substance to keep me awake for studying. How?

FYP's a headache. Even when im revising my notes, the images of FYP just couldnt stop flashing through my mind. Report's gonna be due soon, and very soon December will end. Analysis are still pending, and some results are not well collated. Damn, thinking of how this FYP is going to affect the GPA just gives me the creeps. Everyone says that FYP can pull one's grades up if one manage to obtain an A or a B. But given the characters of Ngian, a C or a D would probably be written down in our log book. Sigh, i cant help but worry for this project. Did i not take this project seriously enough? Sometimes i wish i could go an extra mile to make some of the doughs for all the necessary analysis results. But is this possible? Fibre content analysis is not even done yet. How? Am i getting too impatient? I blame myself for not organising the activities well, and very much trusting Kennie. We wasted almost 8 months on doing nothing for the project just to wait for the results of the dough to be sent for external analysis, in which this didnt even take place. Ridiculous, that is. I dont ask for an A, because i know we really dont deserve that grade. Sigh, can i ask for a B, a minimum B is good enough. Leniency is not going to take place, but the effort we put in for the previous 3 mths are recognisable. God, will miracles befall on us again on the very last minute just like the Koufu competition? Okayy, this is really affecting my mood. Shall stop here about FYP.

Shall go back to my studies now.

2009-12-04T00:38:00.002+08:00

I'm not trying to seek empathy here.

Sometimes, I admit I am ridiculous. I picked on trivial matters to start a fight, unintentionally. At the end of the day, the atmosphere get too tensed that none of us wish to talk or look into each other's eyes, much more about holding hands and etc. Yes, it's me. I admit everything started because of me. Because I dont understand, because i dont know why, and because i'm not in the least better at controlling my emotions that's manipulating my mind.

But there's one thing that upsets and affects me rather much..
that you are someone whom i love, someone whom i trust, someone whom i talk to more than anyone else everyday..
someone who mean this much to me,
dont really understand me.

I dont, too. Realized this after a yr with you.
Is that how it works in all the relationships?
i dont know. i dont wish to know.
and it gets more upsetting each time i think of this.

2009-11-30T00:32:00.003+08:00

At 4.30pm, I told myself that it was time to study. Then guess what? My cravings for titbits came in so I barely sat for a minute at my seat and stood up to hunt for food in the kitchen. Great. An hour later after all the junk food's been gobbled down into my tummy, i went back to my room having studies in mind. BUT, all i did was a glance at that Food processing A notes and eyes took away from there because vanity kicked in. Damn. I looked at myself in the mirror for hours, FOR just donning on dresses and assessories! This continued all the way till 7. FUCK.

Finally i got back to my seat and wrote some mindmap for just 3 pages of my lecture notes. =/ Next, Dad asked if i would like to join him and Mum for dinner. I agreed and stood up again. At 8pm, the getai below my building was just so loud that i could hardly read my notes. Sis was bouncing the volleyball so i played 'basketball' with her and taught her some of the techniques i learnt during secondary school days. At 10pm, i got back to my room and opened up that laptop to check my mails for any pending reports to be edited. None. So, i browsed through the webpages of Facebook and blogs till 12.41am, which is NOW, and realised that i had actually wasted my Sunday away with all the cravings, vanity and surfing on the net. Damn, what the hell was i doing!

alright, SINCE IT'S RATHER QUIET NOW,
i shall do my freaking revision before i hit the pillow.