I never knew how it feels like when your efforts arent being recognised and your partner doesnt seem a little bit appreciative of what you had done. It'd never happened on me before, but yea.. I experienced it now. Not sure if my imagination's running wild again.. But i do feel that way. I dont know how i should put it across to you because for all you know, this relationship might end if i were to discuss this issue with you. It came to my realization that we are of different worlds. The way we think seems so different. You are smart and knowledgable, and sometimes when my inferiority bites me real hard, i just feel that you can find someone better. Someone who has a higher intellect than i do. In stupid. Wanted to plan a short getaway with you but i received a negative response. Yes, what you've said does make sense. But why does it feel that im stupid to have planned all these and you arent being appreciative? Cant make up the words to describe this feeling im experiencing. Was i thinking too much? I doubt i am. Suffocated; i feel like giving up. To give up this and be alone. I dont know. Why does it feel that it's so difficult to love you? Im not worthy of you. Sometimes i get reminded of him. It's not that i hadnt let go of that relationship. I just feel that i wont be rejected if it were to be him. What am i thinking?

I never knew how it feels like when your efforts arent being recognised and your partner doesnt seem a little bit appreciative of what you had done. It'd never happened on me before, but yea.. I experienced it now. Not sure if my imagination's running wild again.. But i do feel that way. I dont know how i should put it across to you because for all you know, this relationship might end if i were to discuss this issue with you. It came to my realization that we are of different worlds. The way we think seems so different. You are smart and knowledgable, and sometimes when my inferiority bites me real hard, i just feel that you can find someone better. Someone who has a higher intellect than i do. In stupid. Wanted to plan a short getaway with you but i received a negative response. Yes, what you've said does make sense. But why does it feel that im stupid to have planned all these and you arent being appreciative? Cant make up the words to describe this feeling im experiencing. Was i thinking too much? I doubt i am. Suffocated; i feel like giving up. To give up this and be alone. I dont know. Why does it feel that it's so difficult to love you? Im not worthy of you.

Highly Emotive Model.

Central Peripheral Model.

Both sums up to the Elaboration Likelihood Model.

Oh how I love marketing theories, really.

I wont deny it's interesting, and marketing is an intriguing subject that keeps me awake all the time, but in the business world like this, who the hell uses such models. People talk about ideas in marketing, creativity in advertising, impulsive buying behavior.. yea certainly knowing these facts will allow you to counter-strike your competitors with other forms of strategies, but er.. other than that, I dont see how you can apply your theories unless you work as a marketing consultant.

I saw a quote online and it goes like this.

"If you like what you are doing, do it. If you don't like what you are doing, then don't."

Persuasion strategy in this quote towards my thoughts. Yea, you've got a point. It's time to switch to the line which suits me the most. Marketing.

I lost the motivation at work, even though I was delegated with new tasks recently. Most of the time, new tasks will act as a form of motivation because it's something beyond what you usually do. And yes, i'm doing sth which doesn't benefit me at the end of the day. Highly underpaid job. It doesnt make much sense when others with the same qualifications as me get a higher pay job than me, and that I have to compromise my Sundays to equate my wages with theirs. I wished I could apply my knowledge to work as what I have studied in Advance Human Resource Management, totally.

On the other hand, I wish I can just be more open to challenges. I'm so afraid of falling and making mistakes, which is the reason why I choose to stay in this company; my comfort zone. Never wanna move out of my comfort zone.. but then again, what's the purpose of studying sth out of this field if I want to stay put at where I am? How to succeed; how to surpass; and how to get to the position I wish to attain? Confidence is all I need.

"If you aren't going to help yourself, who will?"

Oh where is my boyfriend?!

Mixed feelings though. I'm not sure what is the reason but upon browsing through those photos, I kinda asked myself why didnt you do such things in the past for me. I mean I'm not jealous, I'm just wondering if I wasnt a good girlfriend in the first place. Saw those birthday presents you bought for your current girlfriend.. A bear with a 'princess' tee-shirt on, an album that you did for her, a polaroid instant camera that she has always been hinting you.. it kinda reminds me of the days we had been together.. the times where you always called me 'princess'.. the times where you will buy me things that i've always wanted to have.. i do not know what this is.. but i know im having mixed feelings. Probably reminiscing the past or sth.. i dont know. Havent been reminded of us since a long time ago. An ambiguous feeling in which i cant use words to describe. I threw away all the stuff that you gave me.. Bags and bags of soft toys.. pictures.. but it wasnt something which i regret doing it, because i know a new chapter have begun for the both of us. It's pointless to keep certain things too. oh well. Maybe i shouldnt have looked through those photos in the first place. I know you are happy and so is she. And i know very well that you werent the right one for me in the first place. I just wish you well.

On a lighter note, oh how i miss black.

It's the frantic and panicky feeling that's surging within my veins. Impulses. I dont know to put words into phrases anymore. Mind's in a mess. I dont crave for a rich boyfriend. I just want a healthy boy, alway there for me. Im worried about the lump. Worried about you going through surgeries again. It's not something easy to swallow.. I mean.. I just hope that things will be fine after you see the doctor and take the antibiotics tmr. God.. It's scary. I can no longer picture myself being alone anymore.. It would be the end of the world. Touch wood but i really wish for the best. I need to pray. I need to send my prayers.. 'I love you' is an understatement. Besides my family, you mean more than anything else to me. :( im worried sick. Really. Sigh.

And you know, sometimes your parents just want things to be done their way because they bore you and they have your interest at heart even though they may seem a little extreme at times. Like yes, i understand and it's comprehendable why they disapprove of my relationship, refusing to acknowledge that I am in a relationship now when relatives probed them about me. It may be hurtful but things will definitely have a better turn for me, Im sure of that.

If they dont see that I truely love him now, it's alright because time will prove them wrong. Communication may surface as a big issue but i know every problem has it's solution and we should face it bravely instead of running away and trying to hope for miracles and stuff. Because the more you let your imagination run, the more unpleasant chains of thoughts will twirl in your mind, at least for me.

Sometimes i wished that i wasnt that sensitive, but sometimes, i think being sensitive is good. Oh well, always look on the bright side!